It has been 10 years since we were shocked at the birth and death of our firstborn sons. Blake Hunter and James Bridger were taken from us far too early from twin to twin transfusion syndrome.
I have learned a lot over the last 10 years as a mom. Coming upon the 10 year mark, i finally went through about 6 months of grief counseling. I have finally grasped that it wasn't my fault. That I could not have done anything to save them. That they were chosen by God above all else.
While I find comfort in these thoughts that doesn't always make the days easier. I still get depressed, angry, sad, confused, but more days happen where I am thankful for the experience. I'm blessed to be their mom. I'm blessed for the time we had together. I'm blessed that I felt their movements before their stillness.
But most of all I'm blessed by my Father above for letting me fall but being there to pick me back up for the last 10 years.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
9 years - July 2, 2013
Today I sat and reminised about the fact it has been 9 years since we lost Blake and James..... time has gone so fast and dragged all at the same time.
I realize how lucky I am to have 6 kids. Even though I only get to hold 3 of them now. I know that someday that will change and that they are in way better arms. Time has healed us but you will never by forgotten.
So until then- I love you boys. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I drive by your cemetary twice a day and can't help but wonder what you are doing. I wonder if you are naughty like Caden, William, and Kamryn. Would you play sports and love the outdoors? Would you like adventures? Where would you pick for our mommy & son dates? So many thoughts with no answers.
One thing I am sure about is that we love you. To the whole wide world and back again and you are always in our hearts.
I realize how lucky I am to have 6 kids. Even though I only get to hold 3 of them now. I know that someday that will change and that they are in way better arms. Time has healed us but you will never by forgotten.
So until then- I love you boys. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I drive by your cemetary twice a day and can't help but wonder what you are doing. I wonder if you are naughty like Caden, William, and Kamryn. Would you play sports and love the outdoors? Would you like adventures? Where would you pick for our mommy & son dates? So many thoughts with no answers.
One thing I am sure about is that we love you. To the whole wide world and back again and you are always in our hearts.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
William's 6!!! a much delayed post.
I cannot believe how long it has been since I posted and how much has happened since then! Among the 2 most important would be my William turning 6 and Ryan and I celebrating our 10 year anniversary! :)
My William first:
He planned his whole party months before it actually took place. The kid amazes me with his drive and energy and imagination. He wanted to have a carnival type party with a cowboy theme. I know right? too funny.
He had game stations that he came up with. Duck bowl, treasures in bird seed, tic tac toe board, bucket bonanza, putt put, basketball shooting, pin the tail on uncle Drew, a painting station with shirts and ceramics and more. For each game played you won tickets to "buy" prizes.
It was supposed to be a great day until Caden woke up sick (and stayed that way for 9 days)! So we decided to postpone the party. Instead we went on a date swimming and to Wendy's. The next day - Will ended up sick, then Kamryn a few days later, we battled the noro-virus for almost 3 weeks. Phew. Once that ended we had the party and the day turned out to be GREAT! So fun and Will said it was his best day so far. E.V.E.R. :) I love that boy.
The Birthday Boy
We figured ducks in bird seed was less messy than kids and water.
Cowboy cupcakes
Looking for buried treasure
Pinata time
Pin the tail on Uncle Drew :) Best Game Ever!
Kamryn full of Cake. Will thought she was hilarious.
Mitchell loved his home made ticket pocket.
One of the beloved prize tables
My William first:
He planned his whole party months before it actually took place. The kid amazes me with his drive and energy and imagination. He wanted to have a carnival type party with a cowboy theme. I know right? too funny.
He had game stations that he came up with. Duck bowl, treasures in bird seed, tic tac toe board, bucket bonanza, putt put, basketball shooting, pin the tail on uncle Drew, a painting station with shirts and ceramics and more. For each game played you won tickets to "buy" prizes.
It was supposed to be a great day until Caden woke up sick (and stayed that way for 9 days)! So we decided to postpone the party. Instead we went on a date swimming and to Wendy's. The next day - Will ended up sick, then Kamryn a few days later, we battled the noro-virus for almost 3 weeks. Phew. Once that ended we had the party and the day turned out to be GREAT! So fun and Will said it was his best day so far. E.V.E.R. :) I love that boy.
The Birthday Boy
We figured ducks in bird seed was less messy than kids and water.
Cowboy cupcakes
Looking for buried treasure
Pinata time
Pin the tail on Uncle Drew :) Best Game Ever!
Kamryn full of Cake. Will thought she was hilarious.
Mitchell loved his home made ticket pocket.
One of the beloved prize tables
Friday, April 19, 2013
it has to end....
My poor kids.
William's birthday is April 13. He has yet to have his party. Caden got sick the morning of so we had to cancel. We had a small carnival type party planned where Caden was needed. And we didn't want to infect anyone else by having them at our house still. I tried to help him have a good day anyways so we went to the area pool followed by dinner at his favorite place Wendys. But there was a bit of a hiccup during both times, so not what I expected or hoped for on my little buddies special day.
Then the following day he got sick.
Then Kamryn got sick.
And they both kicked it easily but not my poor Caden. He is still on our couch today. Almost a week later! It hurts me so much to see my kids not doing well and knowing I can't do anything about it.
Bring on the sun. This has to end!
William's birthday is April 13. He has yet to have his party. Caden got sick the morning of so we had to cancel. We had a small carnival type party planned where Caden was needed. And we didn't want to infect anyone else by having them at our house still. I tried to help him have a good day anyways so we went to the area pool followed by dinner at his favorite place Wendys. But there was a bit of a hiccup during both times, so not what I expected or hoped for on my little buddies special day.
Then the following day he got sick.
Then Kamryn got sick.
And they both kicked it easily but not my poor Caden. He is still on our couch today. Almost a week later! It hurts me so much to see my kids not doing well and knowing I can't do anything about it.
Bring on the sun. This has to end!
Saturday, February 23, 2013
wanting
Have you ever wanted something to be so bad only to have it stripped away from you - twice. And then later on to be completely surrounded by it?
To be so confused because you are so excited for others but yet your heart drops into your butt as you are sitting listening to others to the point you feel like you are suffocating?
To have excitement, confusion, jealousy, anger, anxiety, excitement, and depression all mixed into one ball.
I think I have asked "why" more times than any person should have to. And yet- I also feel so blessed at the same time.
It is hard and sometimes perspective is a tricky thing. Dont get me wrong - I love my Ryan and Caden, William and Kamryn more than words could EVER express. They are my world! But even still- my arms ache to know what it would be like to have my twins here. Both sets. To see Blake and James turn 9 this year. To watch Jackson run around with Kamryn and cause even more mischief.
To have both arms filled. To have my heart whole. Cause right now.... there is a big piece missing. And I dont think that feeling will ever go away.
It. Sucks.
To be so confused because you are so excited for others but yet your heart drops into your butt as you are sitting listening to others to the point you feel like you are suffocating?
To have excitement, confusion, jealousy, anger, anxiety, excitement, and depression all mixed into one ball.
I think I have asked "why" more times than any person should have to. And yet- I also feel so blessed at the same time.
It is hard and sometimes perspective is a tricky thing. Dont get me wrong - I love my Ryan and Caden, William and Kamryn more than words could EVER express. They are my world! But even still- my arms ache to know what it would be like to have my twins here. Both sets. To see Blake and James turn 9 this year. To watch Jackson run around with Kamryn and cause even more mischief.
To have both arms filled. To have my heart whole. Cause right now.... there is a big piece missing. And I dont think that feeling will ever go away.
It. Sucks.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Reports
I am so happy with my boys. They received their report cards this past Friday. This would be Caden's second one for the year and William's first.
Caden - the first quarter he had a few areas that he could use some improvement. Well this quarter he has reached all the goals that they want him to before moving up to second grade. He is so proud and had the biggest grin talking about all the things he knows. Which is everything if you ask him. :)
My William has far surpassed our expectations for how he would do this year. We were not impressed with his teacher last year and thought he would not be ready for Kindergarten the way Caden was. Even though Caden did young 5's, he was just so much better off in our opinion even without that. He had the same teacher for both preschool and young 5's and she was incredible and really focused on teaching while William's teacher just consistently told us that preschool was more about learning to play together. So needless to say when we got William's first report we were grinning from ear to ear.
BUT - my biggest pride comes from seeing the comments from their teachers. The boys both had comments about how respectful they are and willing to help others and they come to school with such meaningful prayer requests and tender hearts. I could explode with how proud of them I am.
If there is something I want my kids to take with them it wouldn't be knowledge as much as life long lessons. I will be happy if my kids know history, geography, and statistics. But I will be ecstatic if they can go through life being respectful, grateful, able to admit wrong and to own up to their mistakes. That is what is going to stick with them and that is what my prayer for them is.
I cannot wait to see what God has in store for them and only hope that they teach Kamryn the same.
Caden - the first quarter he had a few areas that he could use some improvement. Well this quarter he has reached all the goals that they want him to before moving up to second grade. He is so proud and had the biggest grin talking about all the things he knows. Which is everything if you ask him. :)
My William has far surpassed our expectations for how he would do this year. We were not impressed with his teacher last year and thought he would not be ready for Kindergarten the way Caden was. Even though Caden did young 5's, he was just so much better off in our opinion even without that. He had the same teacher for both preschool and young 5's and she was incredible and really focused on teaching while William's teacher just consistently told us that preschool was more about learning to play together. So needless to say when we got William's first report we were grinning from ear to ear.
BUT - my biggest pride comes from seeing the comments from their teachers. The boys both had comments about how respectful they are and willing to help others and they come to school with such meaningful prayer requests and tender hearts. I could explode with how proud of them I am.
If there is something I want my kids to take with them it wouldn't be knowledge as much as life long lessons. I will be happy if my kids know history, geography, and statistics. But I will be ecstatic if they can go through life being respectful, grateful, able to admit wrong and to own up to their mistakes. That is what is going to stick with them and that is what my prayer for them is.
I cannot wait to see what God has in store for them and only hope that they teach Kamryn the same.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
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