Pictures

I have a guy that I work with whose wife is new to photography. She offered us a free session at our house to be done shortly after Kamryn was born. She wanted to a more natural type setting in a home with everyone. How do you pass that up? And I am so happy with how the pictures turned out! The boys weren't real cooperative as they both wanted to sit by Kamryn and couldn't so they got mad and we didn't get as many with all of us as we wanted. But they are still incredible. Here is a preview of a few of them.

Due Date

Today is the official due date for Jackson and Kamryn. I cannot begin to explain how glad I am that we did not have to wait til today.

While I am sure that Jackson is having a great time where he is, I can only assume that Kamryn feels the same way.  :)
She is doing so great! The boys are still in love with her. And she continues to heal us. It is not in a way that we will ever forget the journey it took to get her here or the loss that we encountered. But it is still in a way that we are grateful for.

Kamryn is a great baby. She is not fussy and is very content. She even sleeps really well so far. Only getting up once at night now that we don't have to wake her every three hours. If all our babies were like her I don't think I would ever stop having them. (if we could get prego on our own that is. HA!)

We are so blessed by Caden, William, and Kamryn - THANK YOU GOD!!!

Sweet Angels....

Today we buried our sweet Jackson. And it went as well as I could have hoped for. It was Ryan, Myself, Caden, William, and Kamryn. And of course the angels surrounding us.

My sister Lynn was so great and handled most of the details for us with the funeral home. And her and the funeral guy Steve pulled some strings and got permission for us to have Jackson buried in the same plot as Blake and James. Something that they apparently don't do normally. How sweet that we will be able to go to one stop and be able to spend time with all 3 of our babies.

Ryan and I spent quite a bit of time prepping the boys on what to expect and what the plan was. We pulled up to find the cemetary guy Bob and Steve already there waiting for us. When I pulled up behind Steve's white lincoln Caden asked me if the president was there to say goodbye to Jackson too. Talk about perfect timing. I was just about to lose it and he says that to put a big smile on my face.

We sat in the four chairs put out for us and just had some time to ourselves. Caden said a prayer for his brothers which was so sweet and then Ryan also prayed. Caden wanted to put the casket into the ground and Will put a blanket over top of it that my mom had made.  I cannot believe the amount of love I have for them. Makes me realize I will never fathom how our Maker feels about us. And that no matter how far I feel from him, He will never let me go. The boys did so great and asked questions that were so insightful for kids their age.

I think my favorite one was from Caden..... "Did God ask you PLEASE when he took Jackson"?

Once we get the headstone out there I plan on taking pictures with our 3 earthly babes with our 3 heavenly ones.

Bittersweet.....

Next Monday.....

Well I finally did it. I had been putting it off as long as possible just because it would make things so final.... so over.... so unchangeable.

Today I went and signed the papers and made plans for Jackson's burial. We will be laying him to rest on Monday. When I say "we" I mean Ryan and the boys and I. When we gave birth to Blake and James we invited our entire families. And were surrounded with so much love it was overwhelming. But this time we are just going to have it be us. After talking with Ryan he said he didn't think he would be able to handle having a bigger service type burial again. And I know that for some family members it would be hard to be present to see that tiny little coffin put into the ground right next to our other kids.

It is hard to know how to feel today. Right before I went to the cemetary I brought Kamryn into the doctor for her weekly checkup. And she is looking great! She is up to 5lbs 12oz. Up 9oz from last week. That is awesome. And she is doing so well.

I leave from a Kamryn high to a Jackson low....

Loving Life!!!

I don't have too much time right now since Kamryn is starting to wake up to eat but just thought I would throw a quick update out there.

She is doing great and we are so blessed to have her here finally. Caden and William are adjusting so much better than we could have ever asked for. They absolutely love and adore her and Will especially is always wanting to hold her. Caden is more excited that I can wrestle again with him.

The anxiety and stress is gone! People keep asking me if I have post partum..... um - heck no! She is HERE! What could I possibly have to be depressed about. How can I look into that sweet angelic face and possibly be sad. Other than not having my precious Jackson there is nothing to get me down. But he is in a much better place and God blessed us with a peace by letting us meet him so I am trying to keep that in perspective.

Kamryn did end up in the severe level for jaundice but we were able to get a bili blanket to use at home. And she is now back into the safe zone as of yesterday. With all that happens in our house we are glad to say that she is an extremely happy and content baby. In fact she is only up once at night now that I don't have to wake her up every three hours. Plus I think the boys wear her out. :)

There is so much more that I will update when I get a chance but for now I will leave you with a picture that I took of her today. We think that she is the most precious thing EVER!

Birth Story..... Part 2

Thankfully before she broke my water she recommended that we get the epidural. So anestethia came in and warned me of all the risks and started asking all the routine questions. After hearing that I had issues with our last pregnancy and received a spinal headache from the epidural he decided that we would do it a little differently. So the place of insertion was a little higher than normal and he warned me that I may not feel the contractions but the potential was there to feel more during the actual delivery.

Then the doctor came back and broke my water. Thankfully at that point I was not feeling much but was feeling a bit. I was even able to get a little nap in. I woke up a while later to a TON of pain and pressure. The nurse came in and said baby girls heart rate was dropping during the contractions and I needed to be watched VERY closely. We thought there would be the possibility of a c-section at that point but she had me swtich positions and that made things much better. I didnt say anything right away but after a couple hours I just felt like something was wrong. Ryan was on the phone with my dad so I told him to hang it up right away and to go get the nurse cause I was feeling a ton of pain.

When she came back in it was around 3:20 and asked what was going on. I told her that I was having a lot of pain. Thankfully there was an anesthesiologist right outside so she had him come in and give me some more meds. Which did not help at all as I felt all of the delivery. The nurse then checked me and I was at a 7 and she said it could go really quickly at that point. I told her that I needed to push and didn't think I could wait too much longer. She left the room for a split second and had another nurse who called our doctor. He was supposed to have left at 3 for a hunting trip but stuck around longer to be able to deliver our babies. So incredible!!!

The nurse was scrambling around like a mad woman trying to get the room prepped for delivery. She changed the bed over and within a few minutes I had this strange sense that something happened. A few minutes later she came over and told me that we had delivered our angel baby. We were in complete shock. For the past however many weeks we were in and out of apointments and ultrasounds and were told the other baby was completely gone and that there would be nothing left. So to hear that we delivered him tore me apart. I immediately started bawling and couldn't stop. She gave me a big hug and told me that we would have our time but right now we needed to concentrate on baby girl making her appearance.

Our doctor walked in around 3:40 and the nurse told him he better get his gloves on cause we had delivered one baby and the other was on the way. He quickly got changed and at that point I was already pushing. He told the nurse to get the NICU doctor and team into the room immediately and at 3:52 our sweet baby Kamryn made her entrance into the world. With the umbilical cord around her neck. But Ryan said our doctor was amazing and had it off almost immediately. He handed her right over to the NICU team and I then heard a squeal. I still hadn't stopped crying from the news of having two babies to see. But when I heard the NICU doctor say that she was doing great and asking Ryan if he wanted to cut the other part of the cord they turned to tears of joy and gratefulness. After a few minutes she was placed on my chest. What a great feeling.

Birth Story.... Part 1

This could get long so bear with me. But it's also something I never want to forget.

We were scheduled to be induced on Wednesday November 9 due to the fact that my doctor was leaving to go out of town as of 3 pm on Thursday for a hunting trip. And wasn't going to be home until the 18th. And we did not want to wait that long for Kamryn to make her appearance.

So I went into the hospital at 7am to get prepped while Ryan brought the boys to school and daycare and then met me there. We got situated in our room and waited for the magic to happen. I was given a dose of Cytotek to help gets things started and was then hooked up to a machine for 4 hours to be monitored. Not much happened so I was given another dose 4 hours after that. Still not much progression. If you ask Ryan all he says that happened on Wednesday is that he was able to eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in front of me while watching tv. How nice of him since I was unable to eat a thing.

Finally that night our doctor came in to check things out. I was dialated to a 2 but still wasn't progressing very quickly. He was kind enough to allow me to eat something before the next dose which was great! Cause anyone who knows me knows that when I am hungry...... well i'm just not real pleasant to be around. :) So a quick dinner was INHALED and another dose given.

That caused quite a few contractions in the middle of the night for about 3 hours straight and then things settled down. I was so disappointed. I figured I would be holding out new addition by then. But she has proven that she likes things done in her own time. :)

We woke up thursday to the doctor coming to check me out. I was then around a 3-4 when he checked me but felt that something was in the way and was aprehensive about breaking my water. He thought maybe it was the other placenta or that baby girl maybe had her hand in the way but wasn't sure. Since he didnt want to end up in a c-section he decided to hold off for a bit, give another dose of cytotek, and then have his partner come in around 11 to break my water.

So at 11ish his partner came in to check me and I was only to a 4. At that point we didn't think Kamryn was ever going to come. She also felt something in the way but was able to push it aside and felt comfortable at that point to break my water.

Introducing.....

Kamryn Jean Petroelje

5lbs 5oz and 18 inches long

Born 11-10-11 at 3:52 pm

While we are rejoicing over Kamryn we are also mourning the loss of her brother.

Jackson Del was born first and we celebrate knowing he is with his Heavenly Father.

Today is.....

Inducement Day!!!

I am at the hospital hooked up to machines already. We are hoping and praying that all goes well and cannot believe that hopefully by the end of the day she will be here safe and sound.

I will update as soon as I can. :)

And the date.....

of our inducement is on the calendar! WOW!!!!

I cannot believe we are in the home stretch.

We cannot wait to meet this precious girl.

And yet the day will be filled with every possible emotion.

The boys are counting down the days and we are so excited!!!

Aching....

I find myself aching a lot these days. My heart longs for something I know will not happen. And it hurts. And I don't know how to grieve about it appropriately while again.... trying to maintain that healthy balance of grief and gratefulness.

Then on my way to work today I happen to see that someone has laid a bunch of baby pumpkins on the gravestones by Blake and James. There wasn't enough for everyone but what a sweet gesture. I also know that there is an older gentleman who goes out and waters the flowers every day. I ran into him once and expressed my thanks to him and he told me how sad he was when our headstone arrived. We were the first ones in this specific "babyland". A complete stranger watching over our boy resting place. Gratefulness......

Hearing about a few different couples who just welcomed healthy twins to their families. One of the couples actually having the first baby at home while trying to get ahold of family. And everyone being ok. Gratefulness......

The other couple being induced at 39 weeks and ending up with an emergency c-section but again thankfully with the result of mom and babies all doing well. A long awaited addition to this incredible family. Gratefulness......

Then going into work today and hearing from someone whose niece just gave birth to twins two weeks ago. Holding the baby girl this weekend to have her die in her mothers arm with no known reason. Grief......

Knowing that possibly anytime between now and a few short weeks we will finally get to meet our precious girl who continues to fight and beat the odds. Gratefulness......

But knowing that instead of bringing home 2 babies we will once again be burying one. Extreme Grief.....

Listening to my two rambunctious boys going crazy in their room while I write this even though they are supposed to be on time out? Gratefulness....

Is my heart jealous? Absolutely. Will I ever understand the Why??? No. Do I still find comfort through it all? I'm trying to. Does that sometimes entail tears of happiness and sadness? On a daily basis.

For those of you who have been so gracious and helpful.... there are no words to express my gratitude.

Not Forgotten

Last night Ryan was looking through our blog and reminded me that while what is going on is super important and obviously thought consuming..... we do have 2 other kids that have been keeping up laughing and enjoying life. So I thought I better do a post about them and what they have been up to. :)

Hunting season has begun and Ryan was able to take a 6 point on opening weekend. The boys love to pretend they are hunting at the house and practice with Ryan as much as they can. So when he called us and said he shot one they were so excited. We all got dressed so we could go and track it. So we met him out by his parents property and off we went. We got to his stand and he told the boys which direction he "thought" it went and off they went. We could see it laying from where we were standing but it was fun watching them run off and look all over. And then scream "there it is". I thought they would be grossed out or scared but they loved every minute. Even watching Ryan gut it. Congrats Babe!

Caden and William continue to be so great with everything going on. They are the best of friends and worst of enemies. And yet they take such great care of each other. Caden even wakes up in the morning and makes breakfast for Will when i'm not feeling well. They are just incredible and I couldn't feel more blessed by them.

In preparation for the baby we put the boys in the same room in bunkbeds. They love it!!! And have done great from day one. I was worried since Caden is like his dad and falls asleep immediately and wakes up early and William likes to talk and stay up late like his mom and then sleep in as much as possible. But they have been pretty good about not bugging each other.

While I have had to take it incredibly easy this means that Ryan has become way busier. But he is doing great with it all! Caden is playing soccer right now which means practice 2 nights a week and games on Saturday's. While Caden really didn't seem too interested last year he has seemed to grasp what it is all about now. In fact he has been the leading scorer for the team and goes out with a vengance. And through it all his brother is his biggest fan. This picture is after Caden scored 3 goals and was taken out to sit a quarter.

I am so blessed to have these 3 incredible guys in my life. They are what keeps me going.

I Love You All!!!

all smiles today

I went to our appointment today expecting the worst. In fact I had my dad come with me thinking it would be go time. That way Ryan would be able to get some work done this morning before we were sent off. But instead I was pleasantly surprised.

We found that our fluid levels had gone up and that baby girl had indead put on some more weight. WHAT A SHOCK!!! I could not believe it. And so therefore it was a fun day. Especially watching my dad in the ultrasound room. Watching her moving all over and him not having a clue as to what we were looking at. So he asked a lot of questions which made it even more fun and made it last much longer. Plus our tech had an intern with her and they asked if I minded if she took a look also. I would never pass up the chance to see her for longer.

So now we continue on and keep getting monitored. I go in again on Saturday for another NST and then on Tuesday we meet with the specialist to see what he is thinking. He had said that he wasn't going to let us go past 37 weeks. That means I could possibly be holding my baby girl in 3 and 1/2 weeks. I can't wait!

until tomorrow.....

well we had our appointment this morning and things are still a waiting game. Our weekly Ultrasound/ AFI/ Placenta check followed by the Non Stress Test is every Wednesday and Saturday. So instead of trying to switch everything around to today we just left it as is.

While we are concerned about the fluid level our doctor here did say that he has seen much worse. And while we want to be cautious we are also doing the right thing by being monitored so closely already.

So tomorrow it is.... a day that I am praying/assuming will go just fine. :)

late update...

Oops... I guess I was so worried about remembering the Pregnancy and Infant Loss day that I forgot to update from my testing on Saturday.

I went by myself and was told that from now on that would be a big no-no. While baby girl is looking great they are not real impressed with my amniotic fluid levels still. I was told that the danger zone was anything less than 8 and I had dropped from a 9 to a 7.9. So they are more concerned. I was supposed to have a week off of doctors visits but got stuck on bedrest having to drink gallons upon gallons of water until Tuesday when my doctor will be in. So moving forward I cannot go by myself because it could be "anytime" and I'm not allowed to walk in or out of the hospital due to the contractions increasing.

While all of this is highly concerning I almost feel like the boy who cried wolf. I keep being told anytime.... anytime.... anytime. And then I make it another week with another issue that comes up.

I just hope that baby girl is ok. That is all that matters.

Times 3....

One wick for each of my angels..... I Love You!!!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

A Good Day!

I went in for another round of testing today. I got to have an ultrasound where they checked baby girl out and also looked over the amniotic fluid and something with the umbilical cord and placenta. I was a little shocked when the nurse told me that the notes on my chart showed my amniotic fluid was low. No one said anything to me!!! But I figured since I hadn't heard from the doctor yet they must not be too concerned.

Next she started taking lots of pictures and measurements. I love watching her moving all over the place! She definitely has a lot of fire in her and doesn't like to be poked and prodded. Everytime they try to do stuff with her she starts going crazy and it takes twice as long. Maybe it's God's way of letting me watch her longer. Anyways.... the nurse then told me that she was still measuring about a week behind but that her weight was up to around 3lbs 12 oz. WOW.... last week she was at 3lbs even. But it did show that it could be +/- 9oz. I'm going to ignore that I saw that and pretend that she put on almost a full pound in a week. :)

Still having lots of contractions but seems that things are holding steady for this week. I'll take it.

Disheartened.....

Just wanted to give another update from our appt this morning in grand rapids….

Things did not go as well as we would have liked. Big Shock hugh? Sorry for the negative attitude.

anyways..... We went in for our growth check and found that baby p. has dropped into the 5th percentile and is still measuring about 2 weeks behind. So the doctor is much more concerned. Our plan of action now is that I will go into the hospital 3 times a week for some Non-Stress Tests and also to check the umbilical cord and make sure that the blood flow is ok.

We were essentially told that we needed to go home and pack a bag and put/keep it in the car. Cause if the test shows any type of distress from here on out we will be sent right to grand rapids and they will take her out.

It was encouraging to hear that at this point we have a 95% chance of bringing baby home some time. Even if it isn't right away. But not knowing what will happen is a little disheartening. He also said that keeping her in too long would be tempting fate and that is when the possibility of her being stillborn or having lots of complications would come into play. I was also told that a c-section is a good possibility. Because he didn't know if she would be able to handle being born naturally. So still a lot of unknowns....

But we are trying to trust the One who gave her to us.

We still covet and appreciate all your prayers!

Thankful

We met with our small group tonight. It always amazes me how lucky we are to have them around. We met for the first time over 7 years ago and they have been there for us in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. Starting as a group shortly after we lost Blake and James they know alot about us and our journey to parenthood. Both past and present.

Tonight the couple who hosted suggested that we pray over each couple and specifically their struggles and praises. So 5 couples all on a different road right now. And each of us laying hands to pray over them, or being blessed to be the couple who was blessed to have such close friends praying over you. Definitely an emotion / incredible night that I will never forget.

I'm so thankful to a God who knows exactly what we need and when. Trying to put on a "good front" tonight was not an option. Even though I prayed to keep it together and be strong beforehand. So I was glad to be around people who I felt comfortable just letting it all out in front of. Cause lets face it.... It's Still Hard. And i'm sick of having to pretend it isn't.

On a side note.... we meet with our specialist tomorrow. I'm praying that Baby P has put on some extra weight so we don't have to worry so much.

Happy Birthday!!!

Well this is super late. My Ryan had his 35th birthday on monday the 26th along with my mom Jeanne. So we went out for a quick dinner to celebrate with my whole family. It was cute a little short due to the fact that I was having a lot of contractions that night. So hopefully Ryan and I will have a more intimate dinner out soon. But according to Ryan the only gift he wanted is to be able to hunt a bit this year.

For all of you hunters out there- bow season opens tomorrow. Good luck and be safe. And if you are in the area.... please don't shoot my husband. I need him around. :)

Negative

No- I am not talking about my attitude today. I am talking about a test that we had done. To see if I am at risk of going into labor within the next 2 weeks. Negative!!!

To say that I am happy would be an understatement. I had an appointment with our Dr in Holland today and he was great as always. We talked about what was going on and what our next steps were going to be. And he suggested that we do the test just to put all our minds at ease. So I laid low all day and then we headed to the hospital at 5:30. Got hooked up to all the machines and listened to baby girl for an hour and a half while we waited for the results. Such a sweet sound.

Our nurse remembered me from William's delivery 4+ years ago and she was so nice. She said that baby girl was moving around like a 36 week old and looked great which made me feel good. And even more confident that when she finally does make her appearance she is going to give us a run for our money. :) And I'll take it!

So what does this mean??? Well to my hubby it means he gets to go to Indiana on his hunting trip. To me it means peace of mind knowing I have some more time to fatten her up. And get things ready. And get off the couch/bed. Possibly even going in to work for a few hours here and there. I never thought I would be excited to go to work but laying around does get old!

Now if I can get that negative to last for about 10 weeks more that would be great. :)

First Tooth

So our exciting news of the day???

Caden has been messing with his first loose tooth for a few weeks now. He came home from school today and he finally pulled it out. During the fire drill at school. :) Talk about bursting through the door with the biggest smile on his face. Made my heart melt.

Isn't the first picture classy? A face only a mother could love. And yet- I still find him adorable.

28 weeks

wow- I am so glad that I get to write that. Especially after this week.

I wrote that we had quite a scare over labor day weekend when baby girl decided to play hide and seek. Tuesday we confirmed she was quite good at the game and then the next day we had our fetal echocardiogram which showed her heart and her organs looking great!

Well then Thursday at work I was not feeling well at all. I had a lot of weird pain/cramping and contractions. TMI coming for some but..... when I went to the bathroom I had a LOT of blood. Talk about scare the crap out of me again! So I bolted out of work without telling anyone and called the Dr. immediately who told me to get home and lay down. So I did. When I got home I had a message from our specialist confirming he was happy with the fetal echo but was still not happy with baby girl's growth and to make sure we were scheduled for another ultrasound to check her growth again in a month.

Then Thurday night I received a call back from a nurse stating that she wanted me to get in touch with our specialist on Friday just to update them as to what was going on. So I left a message with a nurse there who had to call the Dr. who was in a different office. She called back a bit later and I was sent to Spectrum hospital to see what was going on. They still aren't 100% sure but as a precaution I was given a steroid shot and told to continue the bedrest and to get a second shot on Saturday. Luckily they gave me a note to get it done around home which was great.

So I go into the hospital on Saturday to get the second shot and they are required to monitor you for a while. Turns out I am having contractions every 10 minutes. That's super. I knew that I was having them but it is still a shock. So we are once again in limbo land not knowing what is going to happen. So bedrest continues and I go in to see our Dr. here tomorrow.

Whew.... Talk about a whirlwind of a week....

GOOD NEWS!

I have been waiting a long time to be able to write that as a headline! :)

After our little scare yesterday I am glad to be able to say that we received good news today. The Dr. that did the echocardiogram said he was very happy with how things looked and he did not see any abnormalities or anything that he was concerned about. YAHOO! She was moving around like crazy so we got to watch her on screen for about an hour and a half. So awesome.

The ultrasound "unofficially" showed that she was around 2.2 pounds now but we aren't sure how that falls in line but feel positive that she is gaining weight. We were told that we didn't need to talk to our Dr. after thinking that we would be seeing both today. And the other Dr. didnt really know anything and wasn't able to answer any of my questions. So I am going to call in a message just to go over a few things with him.

So another appt. with our Dr. here in 2 weeks and then back out to the specialist in Grand Rapids again in 4 weeks for another ultrasound/checkup unless things fall backwards again. Hopefully not though. It was great to receive a positive report for once.

Thanks as always for all the prayers and thoughts.

Scared

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions.

This morning started out by bringing BOTH of my boys to school. Caden actually started last week already but Will's very first day of pre-school was today. He woke up this morning just bawling because he did not want to go and was going to miss me. Thankfully he has a very protective older brother who "talked him off the edge" and convinced him to go. So off we went.

Surprise surprise when I got there. Caden got all settled and headed off to his class after giving Will a big hug and telling him it would be ok. Then Will and I bravely walked to his class only to find out that since we missed the orientation (we were gone that night) that he only had school from 10-11 with a parent to sit in. Not such a big deal except for what is coming up soon.... So off to home we went again and called Ryan's mom who watches the boys on Tuesdays to see if she could come earlier than I thought.

The reason this was a problem??? Well baby girl decided to hide the last 24 hours. I tried everything I could to get her to move and not a single thing worked. So Ryan and I were up all night debating about what to do. My intuition in these situations has never been wrong and we were both convinced that she was gone based off a few changes the last week or so. As you can imagine..... we did not get a lot of sleep last night. Ryan had to work out of town and had to go. I felt so bad for him. But I called the Dr. this morning to see what we should do. We had an emergency appointment scheduled at 10:30 to come in but were told to get there as soon as we could. I was at home with Will waiting/crying/praying my heart out when my Aunt Joan showed up. What a blessing it was to be able to just sit there and cry when I needed but also have someone to talk to. What I appreciated most was that the situation was not down-played and I wasn't told over and over again that it would be ok. Cause it might not be. And I needed to prepare for that.

Ryan's mom showed up and was so great. She brought Will to school and sat with him while my Aunt drove me to the Dr's office where my twin was also waiting. (she had brought my nephew in just before so was already there) Luckily the timing was perfect even though we were early so we got in right away. Dr. H walked in and asked a few questions and got right to it. As soon as I laid down and he put the doppler on we heard a heartbeat and hiccups and he said "well that was easy". And I started bawling. I was wrong for the first time. And have never been so glad to be! He finished up and helped me sit up and gave me a great big hug and just let me cry. I am so blessed to have such an understanding Dr. and family who is always willing to be there.

The rest of the day has been a bit of a blur. Lots of crying followed by a big headache. :) But more importantly.... a feeling of gratefulness. I have extended family who showed up out of nowhere. A mother in law who sat with all the "younger" moms with my son and a twin who stayed with me all day just knowing that was what I needed. A husband who rushed home as soon as he could even knowing that everything was ok by that time.

I don't know what baby girl was doing the last 24 hours+ but she sure as heck is going to be quite the contender when playing hide and seek with her brothers. I just hope that she doesn't want to play anytime soon until AFTER she is born. I don't know if I can take it again.

So now we just hope and pray that all is well with tomorrow's appointment with the specialist.

Latest Appointment

We met with our regular doctor on Friday when Ryan got home from Canada. (SOOOO glad he is home and even more importantly - home alive and safe after some of the crazy stories I heard. And even more glad that he was able to grab onto my brother in law after almost knocking him out of the boat.)

I don't really feel these appointments do much. Right now they are more a formality of checking my weight and listening to baby girls heartrate. Other than that, we don't get alot of information out of them. But I still love to hear her. I do have that bacteria back so that has caused some more concern. More so for me than anything else. But round 2 of antibiotics has started and will hopefully knock things out.

So next big appointment is on September 7. I am looking so forward to that one to make sure our little nugget is still growing big and strong and that all looks healthy. I love seeing her moving around on screen. Last time we got the thumbs up from her. I am hoping that was God's sign to us that all will be well.

I am so ready to meet her!

So excited!!!!!!

My twin sister had her baby last night. Another Boy! I was so excited to be able to go the hospital to meet him. He was a BIG BOY!

Dylan Cole

9lbs 4oz

21 inches long.

He is such a sweet heart. And they were kind enough to let me come visit whenever I wanted. Which means I have had a lot of cuddle time already. That makes me even more excited for baby girl's arrival. And yet one arm will feel empty. But I'm going to be grateful for what He has still blessed us with. Again.... easier said than done. But I will try my best.

Still here....

Sorry for the delay in posting.

We had our appointment last week and while I am still being optimistic I was disappointed to walk out of there. We were told that we were "not out of the woods yet". Our last appointment baby girl was measuring where she needed to be and was in the 97th% for height and weight. This appointment she was measuring over a week and a half behind and in the 26% for height and weight. Which can be normal but can also be a sign that things aren't going as well as they should be.

We go back to the specialist in Grand Rapids again on September 7 to have them do a fetal echocardiogram and to check her growth. We were pretty much told that at any time from there on out if they aren't happy with her progress then they will take her out. So we were left with a few unknowns.

I went back to work this week for about 4-5 hours a day. It was great. Kept my mind off things which was what I needed. But then towards the middle of the week I started to have a lot of contractions again and was not feeling well at all. Pretty sure the bacteria is back and not making things easy.

Not such a big deal except Ryan left Friday for Canada for a week. We went back and forth on whether or not he should go and decided that he should. I was planning on spending some time with him and having a few date nights this week but ended up home sleeping instead. I left work Friday around 1 and almost made him stay home cause I felt so terrible. But after laying down for a few hours and taking a nap I felt a little better and told him to go. He didn't even pack until 15 minutes before he was going to leave.

So now the countdown is on. 6 more days til Ryan comes home. Which is also when our next appointment is here with our doctor. Friday cannot come quick enough.

Tomorrow....

I am looking forward to tomorrow. We meet with the specialist again.

I am ready for some more reassurance and peace of mind

I need to see baby girl and know that she is growing

I have questions I need answered.

I would love for these next 16 weeks to fly by.

With no more worry.

Possible??? Probably not.

through the storm

I finally went to church today. First time since we found out about our loss. Another God intervention today. We have been looking for a new music director for a while and had one "interview" today. As he was up front leading the singing he started talking about his son who was very sick and they didn't know if he was going to make it. Then he said how he knows that within the congregation that there were bound to be people "walking through the storm" and that this song really helped him and his wife. Then we began to sing "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redmon. WOW!!!!

Little did this guy know that when we lost Blake and James we always thought of them when singing the song "Blessed Be Your Name" by ...... you guessed it Matt Redmon.

I have still been having contractions. Some painful so I know they are the real thing. And was told by the doctor that I needed to watch out for fever and also abdominal pain. Well the last week or so the abdominal pain has started. So that has me very worried. Thankfully no fever yet and baby girl is still a movin' and letting me know she is here. Still makes me anxious to get to the specialist on Thursday. But then listening to the lyrics of the song we sang Sunday...

Oh no you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no you never let go
Every high and every low

Oh no you never let go
Lord you never let go of me.


I am very grateful for that. He wont let me go. Through a calm or storm.

Prayers

Well lately it has been hard for me to reach out to anyone. And that includes the Big Guy. But I was taught an EXTREMELY valuable lesson tonight. Or so it feels.

I was putting the boys to bed since Ryan was at one of his "tournament" softball games. Meaning Recreation Mens Softball. And yet you would think it is the majors. :)

Well I started out with Will who did not have much of a nap today. He prayed a quick short one and said it was because he was super tired. Which of course made me smile.

Then I wandered into Caden's room. And I wish I had known in advance how that was going to go. I tucked him in and asked about Vacation Bible School and what was his favorite thing of the day. Had our usual before bed conversation and then told him it was time to pray. I heard the normal... bless the little kids in Haiti who have no food, thank you for my family, thank you for making me a "dude", help me to be good for mom and dad.... and then he reached out and touched my stomach and said "God Thank you for my baby sister in mom's tummy. And please keep playing with my babies in Heaven. Daddy say's you really love them". Then he said Amen.

I walked out of the room so proud of him and yet my heart aching. Not just because of our loss but because of a bigger loss. My faith in Him. HE is not to blame. HE said let the little children come to me. And my kids must be really special if he wanted another one already. That is what my focus needs to turn to. Him and His love for all of us. Even though I don't feel it right now. It is always there when I am ready for it.

Work....

I went to work today for about 4 hours. I needed to be able to get out of the house and got the all clear from the Dr. on Friday to give it a go. He left it in my hands which was nice. I know I am not going to do anything to jeopardize this precious baby girl. But it was great to get up and get out for a while.

And yet.... all I could feel was a bit of pity and being stared at. People who can't help but ask.... "how are you doing"? As if "good" could possibly be an answer. How do you say well pretty crappy. I lost one of my children. And that marks the count up to 3. I know they mean well but it just seems to me like one of those stupid questions.

With that being said.... I have gone through this before. I am going through it again. And I think I would have no clue what to say to others going through the situation. Other than sometimes life sucks and there is no explanation. YET.

WHY???

I am still asking that over and over again....

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

The Saga Continues...

I got to go into the doctor again today. I have been having some contractions and some other issues. My next appointment was supposed to be Friday but I called the phone nurse just to check in and see what they thought. No more guilty feelings about being a "needy patient". From here on out.... no holding back and it is all justified! :)

Well I went in and found out that I have a bacteria. But not to worry. They see it in about 10% of pregnancies. I might as well google all the stuff that "isn't likely but could happen" and figure that I should expect it. She said that it could be due to the baby that passed away. So another daily reminder of what has happened. On a positive note though I was given an antibiotic that should take care of it and will hopefully be on the right road again soon. The negative is that it makes me sick! Ugh.... I think I found a new profession the past 5+ months = Professional Puker.

With all that being said.... I am trying to get a more positive outlook right now. Easier said than done. But last time I had both angels ripped from me. Today I am watching my belly jiggle around from a fiesty little girl who is reminding me she is still here. And how can you not smile for that?

Addition

When we found out that we were having twins we decided that we needed to make a few changes. Time for a new car that would accomidate 4 car seats. Bunk beds so that we could move Will into Caden's room. Time to tear down the old garage and put up a new one that would fit that bigger car along with all of Ryan's tools and junk. And blow the back side of the house out to expand the kitchen to fit 2 high chairs and eventually a table for 6.

We were supposed to start a few weekends ago. But that was delayed due to the new circumstances. And has been a debate ever since. Do we we move on with the addition now that the need isnt as great or do we put it off for a while.

It is just one more reason that I love my husband. I woke up this morning to hear demolition had begun. It just shows me that no matter what we may "plan" most things are out of our control. But we also have to keep moving on now matter how hard it can be.

That isnt to say that moving on means forgetting. It just means the healing process has to be able to run it's course too. Am I saying that is starting??? For me -I don't think so. But I am so grateful for a husband who will allow me the time I need to grieve while also reminding me that we are able to celebrate too. Do I think that he has forgotten or is over it? Absolutely not. Each one of us has our own process that we work through.

I love my husband more than words can say. Some people let situations like these tear them apart but I am glad to see that we get closer with each trial we go through.

For those of you who have called or emailed or wanted to stop by.... I'm sorry I have not allowed that to happen. Know that I am so thankful for all your prayers and in time will be ready to talk.

Pooped

Last Tuesday when Ryan and I got the news about the babes we were told after the ultrasound that we were not allowed to leave the hospital until after a doctor had reviewed our file and given us a call. Initially we were told that we could sit in the waiting room until we got the call.
Yeah Right! You just tell us that one of our babies have died and you want us to wait in a room full of people??? I think the nurse realized that was not going to fly with us so she said we could wait outside or in our car or something else. Just as long as we did not leave hospital grounds.

We decided to head outside and try to find a spot to sit that wouldn't be too hot yet it would be far enough away from everyone so that we could have some privacy. We found a big tree around the side of the hospital where we sat and cried and then called family to tell them what was going on. As we were sitting our attention was directed to some squirrels who were dropping walnuts from the tree. I jokingly asked Ryan if he was worried about being hit and if he thought we should move. A few seconds later he tells me that something just hit his back. I look to see that he has been pooped on by a bird.

Really??? As if the day isn't bad enough..... My poor husband gets targeted by a bird with a direct hit.

And that is kind of how things feel still. Like we have a big target on our back and it's just a matter of seconds until we are hit again.

I know that my posts lately are very negative and I am sorry for that. I also know I have no need to apologize what-so-ever. But I am.... I hope that the next one will be a little more upbeat and positive.

Time...

I am at home with nothing to do but think...... trying to do some work but when there is nothing to do all I have is the thoughts in my head.

I'm not sure that is a good thing right now. I had picked up some baby clothes a while ago at some sales that Carter and Old Navy were having. Bought some girl stuff "just in case" that is what we were having. Bought doubles of some things. Now I look at the bags in my closet and while I am excited to be able to look at pink.... I am reminded of what should be.


My basement has 2 cribs and 2 cribsets. 2 bouncy seats....
My back porch area has 2 newer matching carseats with a double stroller.


I feel like some people think I have no reason to grieve right now. That I should have nothing but good thoughts because we still have our little girl to look forward to. Which I understand. I really do. But I don't think that they all understand what it is like. I should be looking forward to 2. Not just one.

I feel like I have been robbed and yet have still won the lottery.

Coincidence???

7 years ago when we lost Blake and James we were given a peace lily in their memory along with a lot of other plants and flowers. Obviously most of them did not last but that peace lily is one of the things that I insisted on trying to keep.

Here we are all those years later. We were going to get rid of it to add a little space in our not so spacious living room. Then decided last minute that we weren't ready to part with it just yet. In all the years that we have had it since the boys it has NEVER had any other blooms.

Until around 2 weeks ago. Then it had one.

Coincidence????

Or God letting us know that he is holding our precious baby.....

So Torn....

I do not know how to feel right now.....

I cant sleep

I am angry

I am so sad

I am so grateful we still have a fighter

I am depressed

I now have so much anxiety over this pregnancy

I am ANGRY

and yet I am trying to trust HIM above all else.


It has to get easier....

a light in the darkness???

Today we had our appointment with the specialist in Grand Rapids. It went as well as could be expected all things considered.

The specialist was very happy with the way the baby looked and saw no concern about delivery in the near future. His concern is more the next few months. If she does not continue to grow the way she should then we will be induced early so they can intervene as necessary. but he is hoping that wont be an issue. We will meet with a different specialist in a month or so to do a fetal echocardiagram just to make sure that all looks well with her heart.

Otherwise we will have appointments every 2 weeks between our doctor here and the specialist in Grand Rapids. Which will be great to keep the anxiety level at a minimum. They will continue to monitor her and her growth and will see us immediately if anything changes.

As for what happened to our sweet babies..... there are no answers and that is one of the hardest things right now. It is something they see.... just not normally this far along in a pregnancy. We still do not know what our baby who is no longer with us is. And we may never know. And that hurts.

I will be able to go back to work much sooner that originally expected. I will most likely be home all next week and then can work my way back into things.

Definitely an answer to prayer.


Here she is.

Complete Devastation

I cannot believe that this is happening again.

We were supposed to go in for our ultrasound Friday but based off a few concerns that I had, we ended up going early. What they discovered was a complete shock. We have lost one of our precious babies. To think that only 10 days ago marked the anniversary of Blake and James death. Now we are trying to comprehend another loss. Until things get figured out I was told a minimum of 4 weeks bedrest.

It is such an unbelievable and bittersweet day. We are unable to tell what the gender is of the baby we lost. But we are still being blessed with a little baby girl that is trying to hang tough. To not know what our other baby is just does not seem right. How can we properly grieve and pray when we are left with so many questions.

I just do no understand God right now and what his plan is for us. Why is he taking another one of our kids from us? I know that it is because of sin that we go through trials and not God's choice. It just feels like HE is so far away right now.

7 years

I cannot believe that it has been 7 years already since we lost our sweet boys.

7 years ago today Ryan and I were in the Hospital waiting.... and waiting..... and waiting surrounded by all of our family. Until finally they made their appearance. Our two boys were born at 20 weeks 3 days due to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Blake Hunter came first followed a few minutes later by James Bridger. And our lives have never been the same.

While there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them and wonder what they would be like, what they would look like, would they have big brown eyes like Caden, or have Will's sweet demeanor; I also can't help but be grateful that they have never had to endure pain or disappointment. And they are with the best Father that anyone could have.

I recently read the book Heaven Is For Real (THANK YOU Uncle Jack) and was given not only a good cry but a comfort and reassurance that only HE can give when it comes to my babies who were stripped away from me far too early.

We miss you tons and Love you with all our hearts!

Celebrate

Today is a great day! I was able to get my PICC line taken out. They had a few issues with the stiches having bonded to my skin but other than that it came out perfectly. I cant wait until Ryan gets home and I can shower without having to have my arm wrapped up in a towel and syran wrap.

And we had an appointment yesterday and were able to hear the nuggets again. Not only that but we got to schedule our ultrasound! YAHOO..... We go in on the 15th of July and will be able to find out what we got baking inside. :)

It is a good week!

Really??? Another break.

I am at work when I come walking back to my desk in time to see my daycare's number pop up. I tried to answer but by the time I picked the phone up she was gone. Then my cell phone started ringing. That is NEVER a good sign.


So I picked it up to hear.... Laura- I'm so sorry but your sons are going to have matching hands. Will got his finger slammed in the bathroom door and i'm sure his finger is broken. His finger nail is definitely not going to make it either. Come on!!! REALLY???

Well the good news through the whole thing is that for some reason I had packed extra gauze, wrap, cream, tape, just about everything she needed to take care of the finger. Definitely a God thing. So she got him all wrapped up and once he heard that they would go to the park he was good to go. :)

So we look like quite the family right now. Me with my PICC line, Caden with a broken index finger on his left hand and William now with a broken middle finger on his right hand. Hopefully like they say...... bad things come in three. We dont need anything else to happen right now.

Father's Day

On a day such as this I am so surrounded by thoughts and emotions.

I was raised by a dad who wasn't always there. He was busy with work but still managed to give us the time to feel special. Growing up I did not want to be indoors but wanted to spend every minute outside with him. He taught me to hunt and fish and be a "tom boy". Athough as he and my mom like to say - "there is no book on correct parenting" I think that they did a pretty good job. Today I am very thankful for my Dad.

And my Father in Law. He is so great and has really made an impact in my life. He has raised an incredible son and has always been someone to look up to. Even though I didnt grow up with him I can see the love that he has for his family and how broken he gets when someone hurts. I am really blessed to have another great dad.

To wake up next to Ryan every morning..... What a Blessing!!! He is an incredible husband and father. The boys came racing into our room this morning (bright and early) and climbed up next to him and gave him the biggest hugs and said Happy Dad's Day. :)

And every Sunday he gets up with them and they do "Boy's Cinnamon Rolls". They sit downstairs in the kitchen and talk and bond while waiting for their breakfast. It is an awesome memory that he is building with the boys and I cant wait to add 2 more to the mix.


Happy Father's Day to all the daddies out there and all those longing to be a Father.

Caden

June 13, 2005

What a special day in our house. Our Caden was born. Although he wasn't our first born he was our first "take home" baby. I remember the day so clearly. We were at my sister Lynn's house celebrating Father's Day. I was sitting on their big chair with Ryan and all of a sudden had this "wet" feeling. I ran to the bathroom and saw blood and freaked out! He wasn't due for 18 days. I yelled for Ryan and we took off in a flash not telling anyone what was going on. We got to the hospital where we found out that my water had actually broke. So after a few false alarms previously we were going to have a baby. He finally was born around 8 the following night and we were super excited!!!

The best part was when Dr. H took him out and I spotted first that he was a boy. I whispered to Ryan that it was a boy and we both cried. Ryan was mad because he thought he would see first. :) Caden was taken away and brought in for some tests but everything was fine. They finally brought him back into the room around 11 and we called Ryan's parents. Then my parents. Then the rest of the families.

What and incredible day. I never thought I could love someone so much!

Could it really be???

Today marks the start of week 14. I am laying here in bed waiting for Ryan and guess what???? I FEEL FLUTTERING!!!! This morning when I woke up I had a large hard bulge in my belly. I thought it had to be one of the babes but talked myself out of it. Then it disappeared. And came back a little while later. So I called Caden and William over and had them feel along with Ryan. They were all pretty excited. And now tonight..... flutters.

I am so excited.

Broken....

So today we had an open house to go for my cousin in Schoolcraft. About an hour and 15 minutes away. The party started at 5 so I left work a little early to grab the boys and get them fed and ready for the drive.

Ryan finally got home and showered so we took off. We made the drive and pulled into the yard. Caden was super excited and jumped out of the car. The only problem was when he tried to shut his door it wouldnt close all the way. Cause his finger was stuck in it. I watched it happen and it was one of those moments where your heart jumps up into your throat cause you know that you can't do anything! My brain finally kicked into gear and I opened the door. And he looked down and saw his finger and freaked out. That is when the screaming began.

We gave him a few minutes to calm down and started walking towards the house to get some ice. But the screaming and crying continued. Luckily my Aunt's sister is a nurse so we had her take a look at it. After examining it she told us she thought it was broken and that we better get it checked out. My poor boy. I felt terrible and immediately started crying. If only there was a way to take the pain and hurt away from your kids and put it on you. I would have traded places in a heartbeat.

But there isnt so we left William with my sister and off to the hospital we went. After spending about and hour and a half there it was confirmed that he did in fact break his finger. So the splint went on and will stay there for about 4 weeks til we get it checked again.

Thankfully it hasn't really affected him to much and he is still as crazy as ever. I really am shocked that it took him almost 6 years to break something. :)

Memorial Weekend

Memorial Day Weekend.... No words... Pictures say enough. :)

I planned on putting more in but for some reason they will not load right or fast at all.... so here are a few.

We spent time up north at my families cabin...... and then came home and brought the boys to the parade and crazy bounce.

2 heartbeats...

We had our 12 week appointment today. And we were able to hear both heartbeats. It was great. You hear that being sick is a good thing but it doesn't take away all of the insecurity. So to have that reassurance was such a blessing. The babes must have been right next to each other or on top of each other because when Dr. H tried to locate them he got both at the same time. If you listen closely you can hear both of them.... They sound like a horse galloping..... I love it.... and I love them so much already!

tears of happiness...

I was once again reminded tonight of how precious my boys are to me. Today has been a little rough. Well worth it as every day but a little rough. So Ryan was great about letting me take a little nap before hooking up to my IV. Caden and Will were very cooperative about not wrestling around tonight but laying low and watching cartoons and playing with each other.

Bed time soon rolls around and Caden tells me to relax and that he will put Will to bed. I watch the two of them go into the bathroom and I can hear Caden helping Will brush his teeth. Next thing I know they are both in Will's bed. And they are saying prayers together with no prompting from me. Talk about sweet music to my ears. Obviously I got teary eyed. Caden soon after tells Will it is time to sleep and he doesnt need to be scared but if he does then he can turn on his lamp to feel better.

I am sitting on the couch in awe when Caden comes to hug and kiss me good night. He notices the tears in my eyes and asks if I'm ok.....

Thank you God for my sweet hearted babes.... I am so blessed.

12 Weeks

I am officially at the 12 week mark. Our first trimester is over with. And I am hoping with that the sickness will begin to wind down. I am scheduled to get a PIC line put in and to have an IV machine at my house. That means i can get fluids every night. While this makes me excited because I feel better when I am hydrated I'm also a little concerned it might interfere with my bath times at night. :) I love baths! As long as they can continue I will be fine. There's something about just laying back and relaxing that makes me feel good.
We go to see our Dr. this week for the first "official" time for this pregnancy. We go to church with him and have talked frequently. But will have our first appointment on Wednesday.
I still have to upload the pictures from our last ultrasound. Will try to get around to that soon.

Here they are....

Sickness

Well things have been going ok here. I will be 11 weeks in 2 days. Things have been a little rough but I am still soaking it all in. I have gone into the hospital a few different times to get an IV due to dehydration. Hopefully the sickness will be over soon or at least improve. Until then I have a pass to free fluids whenever I need them. :)
We are so lucky to have such great family and friends surrounding us. Without them we would definitely be lost.
The one good thing about having to go in was that we got to see the little nuggets again. Pictures will be coming.

Mother's Day

I am so grateful for all the incredible mom's I know.
And I am so glad to be able to have the opportunity to be one.
I am a mom to 2 angels in Heaven
2 crazy boys that I wouldn't trade for anything
and 2 more babies that are coming.

Thank you to all the Mom's I know for being such incredible examples.

Anniversary

What a great day today has been.

We got to start out our morning by seeing our little nuggets wiggling all over the place. And due to how well they are doing we were released from our clinic to our OB. Yahoo!!!

But even more special is the fact that today is our anniversary. Today marks 8 years of marriage for us. It has been 8 years of up's and down's that could have broken us apart but instead brought us closer together.

I am so grateful for Ryan and everything that he is to our family.

Once I figure out how to upload pictures and videos I will get some from our appointment today.

I hope this works... (ignore the commentary. i was a teary mess and saying cool was the only thing that came out).

The beginning

I have thought about starting a blog for a long time. And it is finally happening. Where to start?

The beginning.

I married my best friend and love of my life Ryan in May of 2003. We knew that we didn't want to wait to long to start a family and started trying shortly after. It seemed like it took forever but in March of 2004 we found out that we were finally pregnant.

Our world was turned upside down the day we went in for our 5 month checkup. Our doctor could not detect a heartbeat. So we were sent in to the hospital for an emergency ultrasound. What we learned was shocking and devastating. We were pregnant with TWINS but they had gone to Heaven before us. We went through labor and delivery and gave birth to perfectly formed identical twin boys who had Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Blake Hunter and James Bridger were born on July 2, 2004 and our world was rocked.

Remembering that God has a plan for everything we were later blessed with sons Caden Carl on June 13, 2005 and William Lee on April 13, 2007. Knowing that we wanted more kids we started trying for a 5th beginning of 2009. After a year of nothing we were referred to a fertility specialist where we found issues on both myself and Ryan and were told that we would not be able to have any more kids naturally.

So on to alternative methods we went. Trying Clomid and IUI's for months upon months did nothing so we moved on to IVF. Our first cycle in November resulted in a negative. With one more shot we used our remaining 3 embryo's for a FET. 2 of the 3 embryo's made it through the thawing process and on March 16th (my birthday) I received the best present ever. We were able to transfer 2 potential babies.

Well that is what we got and that is where we are right now. Pregnant once again with TWINS and scared out of our minds. And yet feeling blessed beyond belief knowing that we are not walking this journey alone. God is Good all the time.