Sunday, July 29, 2012

1 year ago (started on July 12)

One year ago today I just didnt feel right. You ever have that feeling? The result..... well it sucked. But as i sit here and type this out I cant help but feel grateful at the same time. 10 days ago we mourned the passing of Blake and James. Today we remember that Jackson joined his brothers. But I am at this moment trying to keep Kamryn from smashing the buttons on the computer.
So while there is anger and disappointment and wonder..... this time there is also joy and happiness and a strange comfort. Dont get me wrong - I would give so much to have my boys here with me.
I dont think that time can heal all things. I dont think you ever fully heal. I think that you just learn to deal with it differently.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

8 years ago (started on July 2)

was the day I wore my first maternity clothes. I was so sick that I finally broke into them at 5 months. Being our first pregnancy we didnt know any better. My husband was so great! Holding my hair while I puked every day. Numerous times.

We did things so differently that day looking back. we had always driven seperately but for some reason this appointment we drove together. We arrived at the office full of excitement. We were halfway through the pregnancy and excited to schedule our ultrasound and hear the hearbeat. Dr. Hulst came in and teased me about my color like normal and then took out the doppler. After a few minutes of silence he said that he wanted to go get another one to try out but not to worry. He came back after what seemed like forever with another one and tried. Still silence. He told us still not to worry but let's just schedule an ultrasound for that same day to make sure. We went home and were told to drink as much water as possible and then to go to the hospital after an hour.

Talk about a long hour. The time dragged by and to pass it Ryan and I played cards, prayed, and cried. We walked into the hospital defeated but still trying to hold out hope. We had been at a church conference the weekend before and I had felt movement for the first time! Things had to be fine. Entering the ultrasound for the first time in our lives was an experience that was so different from how we had imagined. There was no excitement. Just fear. The technician began and we could see a baby. Not knowing what we were looking at. Then came the shock. There was a part where it came to entering the number of fetus's. And she put a 2! Ryan saw it and looked at me with eyes as wide as I have ever seen. The technician wrapped up and said she was not allowed to say anything.

My poor husband knowing the results asked....there are two of them and they are gone. To which she replied yes. She then told us to take as much time as we needed and we stayed there and continued to weep. As we finished she came back into the room and gave me a hug.

We went home to tell our families. That is the worst phone call anyone could make. We called our parents and told them to get to our house as soon as possible. My dad had just left that morning for a business trip so we had an attendant waiting at the gate for him. Within a matter of minutes, ryan's parents, my mom, and my twin were at our house.

Time had to figure out what steps were needed. My family was taking a big vacation to Colorado the following week. There were two choices that we had. We could be put into labor and deliver the babies. Or we could wait for my body to reject them on it's own which had a few different risks. Talking it over with our families and our Dr. we decided to be induced that afternoon.

It was a wednesday around 4p.m. and we were moved into our room. Right across from the nurses station. Surrounded by family. There was nothing to do but wait. We found out my dad would not be able to get home right away and I knew I wanted him to be there. I was given Pitocin and things got underway. But not very quickly. My sisters and their husbands decided to sleep at the hospital to keep us company. So part way throught the night I could not sleep. So Ryan and I got up and wandered over to the family waiting area and spied on them. We must have been too loud cause they all woke up and we talked and joked around for a bit. Then we went back to our room to try to get some more sleep. Things did not progress quickly at all and the pitocin was up'd some more. Before we knew it, it was Friday. My dad was almost to the hospital and I felt things would be happening soon but I wanted so badly to wait for him. He finally arrived around midnight and at 12:55a.m. we welcomed Blake Hunter followed at 1:00a.m. by James Bridger. Ryan and I held our boys and cried. Then allowed our families to come in to see and hold them as well. I can still picture myself holding them both and watching everyone walk in. One of my biggest regrets is not taking pictures. I had thought that the reminders would haunt me forever. And instead I wish on a daily basis that I had them. Thankfully our sweet nurse took some on her own, just in case we would change our minds. And we did. Within a week those pictures were developed and next to my bed. And they are still looked at on a weekly basis.

There are so many more details that i didnt put in here. Like having the best nurses in the world, the weighted bear that became my baby for a while to comfort my empty arms, my sisters not leaving my side, picking out names and not coming up with any girl ones cause we just knew they were boys, Ryan's brother Ben yelling at the nurses cause I had to pee, being surrounded and supported by so many people, the mass amounts of comfort we received in the weeks after by meals, and cards, and prayers.

Still cannot believe this happened to us and yet my heart feels touched as I write this now.

Boys- You are lucky to be in heaven right now. I cannot wait for you to be in my arms again.