Saturday, February 23, 2013


Have you ever wanted something to be so bad only to have it stripped away from you - twice. And then later on to be completely surrounded by it?

To be so confused because you are so excited for others but yet your heart drops into your butt as you are sitting listening to others to the point you feel like you are suffocating?

To have excitement, confusion, jealousy, anger, anxiety, excitement, and depression all mixed into one ball.

I think I have asked "why" more times than any person should have to. And yet- I also feel so blessed at the same time.

It is hard and sometimes perspective is a tricky thing. Dont get me wrong - I love my Ryan and Caden, William and Kamryn more than words could EVER express. They are my world! But even still- my arms ache to know what it would be like to have my twins here. Both sets. To see Blake and James turn 9 this year. To watch Jackson run around with Kamryn and cause even more mischief.

To have both arms filled. To have my heart whole. Cause right now.... there is a big piece missing. And I dont think that feeling will ever go away.

It. Sucks.