Friday, July 29, 2011


I am still asking that over and over again....





Tuesday, July 26, 2011

The Saga Continues...

I got to go into the doctor again today. I have been having some contractions and some other issues. My next appointment was supposed to be Friday but I called the phone nurse just to check in and see what they thought. No more guilty feelings about being a "needy patient". From here on out.... no holding back and it is all justified! :)

Well I went in and found out that I have a bacteria. But not to worry. They see it in about 10% of pregnancies. I might as well google all the stuff that "isn't likely but could happen" and figure that I should expect it. She said that it could be due to the baby that passed away. So another daily reminder of what has happened. On a positive note though I was given an antibiotic that should take care of it and will hopefully be on the right road again soon. The negative is that it makes me sick! Ugh.... I think I found a new profession the past 5+ months = Professional Puker.

With all that being said.... I am trying to get a more positive outlook right now. Easier said than done. But last time I had both angels ripped from me. Today I am watching my belly jiggle around from a fiesty little girl who is reminding me she is still here. And how can you not smile for that?

Saturday, July 23, 2011


When we found out that we were having twins we decided that we needed to make a few changes. Time for a new car that would accomidate 4 car seats. Bunk beds so that we could move Will into Caden's room. Time to tear down the old garage and put up a new one that would fit that bigger car along with all of Ryan's tools and junk. And blow the back side of the house out to expand the kitchen to fit 2 high chairs and eventually a table for 6.

We were supposed to start a few weekends ago. But that was delayed due to the new circumstances. And has been a debate ever since. Do we we move on with the addition now that the need isnt as great or do we put it off for a while.

It is just one more reason that I love my husband. I woke up this morning to hear demolition had begun. It just shows me that no matter what we may "plan" most things are out of our control. But we also have to keep moving on now matter how hard it can be.

That isnt to say that moving on means forgetting. It just means the healing process has to be able to run it's course too. Am I saying that is starting??? For me -I don't think so. But I am so grateful for a husband who will allow me the time I need to grieve while also reminding me that we are able to celebrate too. Do I think that he has forgotten or is over it? Absolutely not. Each one of us has our own process that we work through.

I love my husband more than words can say. Some people let situations like these tear them apart but I am glad to see that we get closer with each trial we go through.

For those of you who have called or emailed or wanted to stop by.... I'm sorry I have not allowed that to happen. Know that I am so thankful for all your prayers and in time will be ready to talk.

Thursday, July 21, 2011


Last Tuesday when Ryan and I got the news about the babes we were told after the ultrasound that we were not allowed to leave the hospital until after a doctor had reviewed our file and given us a call. Initially we were told that we could sit in the waiting room until we got the call.
Yeah Right! You just tell us that one of our babies have died and you want us to wait in a room full of people??? I think the nurse realized that was not going to fly with us so she said we could wait outside or in our car or something else. Just as long as we did not leave hospital grounds.

We decided to head outside and try to find a spot to sit that wouldn't be too hot yet it would be far enough away from everyone so that we could have some privacy. We found a big tree around the side of the hospital where we sat and cried and then called family to tell them what was going on. As we were sitting our attention was directed to some squirrels who were dropping walnuts from the tree. I jokingly asked Ryan if he was worried about being hit and if he thought we should move. A few seconds later he tells me that something just hit his back. I look to see that he has been pooped on by a bird.

Really??? As if the day isn't bad enough..... My poor husband gets targeted by a bird with a direct hit.

And that is kind of how things feel still. Like we have a big target on our back and it's just a matter of seconds until we are hit again.

I know that my posts lately are very negative and I am sorry for that. I also know I have no need to apologize what-so-ever. But I am.... I hope that the next one will be a little more upbeat and positive.

Monday, July 18, 2011


I am at home with nothing to do but think...... trying to do some work but when there is nothing to do all I have is the thoughts in my head.

I'm not sure that is a good thing right now. I had picked up some baby clothes a while ago at some sales that Carter and Old Navy were having. Bought some girl stuff "just in case" that is what we were having. Bought doubles of some things. Now I look at the bags in my closet and while I am excited to be able to look at pink.... I am reminded of what should be.

My basement has 2 cribs and 2 cribsets. 2 bouncy seats....
My back porch area has 2 newer matching carseats with a double stroller.

I feel like some people think I have no reason to grieve right now. That I should have nothing but good thoughts because we still have our little girl to look forward to. Which I understand. I really do. But I don't think that they all understand what it is like. I should be looking forward to 2. Not just one.

I feel like I have been robbed and yet have still won the lottery.

Saturday, July 16, 2011


7 years ago when we lost Blake and James we were given a peace lily in their memory along with a lot of other plants and flowers. Obviously most of them did not last but that peace lily is one of the things that I insisted on trying to keep.

Here we are all those years later. We were going to get rid of it to add a little space in our not so spacious living room. Then decided last minute that we weren't ready to part with it just yet. In all the years that we have had it since the boys it has NEVER had any other blooms.

Until around 2 weeks ago. Then it had one.


Or God letting us know that he is holding our precious baby.....

Friday, July 15, 2011

So Torn....

I do not know how to feel right now.....

I cant sleep

I am angry

I am so sad

I am so grateful we still have a fighter

I am depressed

I now have so much anxiety over this pregnancy


and yet I am trying to trust HIM above all else.

It has to get easier....

Thursday, July 14, 2011

a light in the darkness???

Today we had our appointment with the specialist in Grand Rapids. It went as well as could be expected all things considered.

The specialist was very happy with the way the baby looked and saw no concern about delivery in the near future. His concern is more the next few months. If she does not continue to grow the way she should then we will be induced early so they can intervene as necessary. but he is hoping that wont be an issue. We will meet with a different specialist in a month or so to do a fetal echocardiagram just to make sure that all looks well with her heart.

Otherwise we will have appointments every 2 weeks between our doctor here and the specialist in Grand Rapids. Which will be great to keep the anxiety level at a minimum. They will continue to monitor her and her growth and will see us immediately if anything changes.

As for what happened to our sweet babies..... there are no answers and that is one of the hardest things right now. It is something they see.... just not normally this far along in a pregnancy. We still do not know what our baby who is no longer with us is. And we may never know. And that hurts.

I will be able to go back to work much sooner that originally expected. I will most likely be home all next week and then can work my way back into things.

Definitely an answer to prayer.

Here she is.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Complete Devastation

I cannot believe that this is happening again.

We were supposed to go in for our ultrasound Friday but based off a few concerns that I had, we ended up going early. What they discovered was a complete shock. We have lost one of our precious babies. To think that only 10 days ago marked the anniversary of Blake and James death. Now we are trying to comprehend another loss. Until things get figured out I was told a minimum of 4 weeks bedrest.

It is such an unbelievable and bittersweet day. We are unable to tell what the gender is of the baby we lost. But we are still being blessed with a little baby girl that is trying to hang tough. To not know what our other baby is just does not seem right. How can we properly grieve and pray when we are left with so many questions.

I just do no understand God right now and what his plan is for us. Why is he taking another one of our kids from us? I know that it is because of sin that we go through trials and not God's choice. It just feels like HE is so far away right now.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

7 years

I cannot believe that it has been 7 years already since we lost our sweet boys.

7 years ago today Ryan and I were in the Hospital waiting.... and waiting..... and waiting surrounded by all of our family. Until finally they made their appearance. Our two boys were born at 20 weeks 3 days due to Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. Blake Hunter came first followed a few minutes later by James Bridger. And our lives have never been the same.

While there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of them and wonder what they would be like, what they would look like, would they have big brown eyes like Caden, or have Will's sweet demeanor; I also can't help but be grateful that they have never had to endure pain or disappointment. And they are with the best Father that anyone could have.

I recently read the book Heaven Is For Real (THANK YOU Uncle Jack) and was given not only a good cry but a comfort and reassurance that only HE can give when it comes to my babies who were stripped away from me far too early.

We miss you tons and Love you with all our hearts!