Dreading.....

i am dreading the fact that July is only a week away. I will forever hate the month.

In one week I will celebrate the fact that Blake and James; my first borns, will be 8. But instead of throwing a party here tossing water ballons, or doing silly string, or a pinata, or taking a day off of work to play I will be visiting their grave site.

Then 10 days after that i will be reminded that one year ago we found out that we had lost Jackson and the journey we went through to get Kamryn here safely.

I know, I know..... we are so lucky to have what we do. But I still can't help to think about the fact that within 10 days I will be mourning the loss of 3 of my babies. It just doesn't seem fair. Even still after 8 years. They are still an ever present part of my life and who I am.

I love you boys.

One year ago....

I can't believe how things have changed from last year until now. Just over a year ago I first felt Kamryn and Jackson moving. I could not believe it. I was only 14 weeks along but I know for sure that it was real.

Sick as a dog but grateful for every moment. Soaking in the realization that I was going to be a mom to 2 babies again and not sure what was going to happen.

To say that I dread the fact that we are almost in July is an understatement. Never will I be glad for that month. I received "independence" in a way that I never wanted. I lost Blake and James on July 2 and found out on July 12th that we had lost Jackson and Kamryn was in danger.

But here we are.... Beginning of June a year later. We have 3 angels that I would give anything to have here but 3 precious children enjoying life with us. I am so thankful for that. For all the fun that we have with them. For all the fun that will come in the years to come. (God willing!)

I still look back and can't believe the journey we have gone through to get where we are today. I know that we will be a stronger family because of it. But I still have my days where the sadness is too much to bear. And all I want it to have 3 more boys ramming around wrestling.

On those nights though..... I just sit and stare at what I do have. And my heart feels a little better.

Mental Block

I have had a few different times where I was going to sit down and write some really good posts. But by the time I have a few minutes or get by the computer I cannot remember for the life of me what it was. So for now a quick update.
Kamryn had her 6 month appointment and she is doing great. She finally broke the 12 pound mark! :) But isnt on the charts yet. But she is a fiesty little nugget and we are having so much fun with her.
She has another double ear infection and will be going in for a tube consult soon since this is her 5th or 6th one since March and she was on antibiotics when she started this latest one. CrAzY!

We have had so much fun lately and have been so busy. But i finally uploaded a few pictures. Some of the kids, some from our cabin up north over memorial day, and a few from William's preschool graduation.