Monday, August 29, 2011

Latest Appointment

We met with our regular doctor on Friday when Ryan got home from Canada. (SOOOO glad he is home and even more importantly - home alive and safe after some of the crazy stories I heard. And even more glad that he was able to grab onto my brother in law after almost knocking him out of the boat.)

I don't really feel these appointments do much. Right now they are more a formality of checking my weight and listening to baby girls heartrate. Other than that, we don't get alot of information out of them. But I still love to hear her. I do have that bacteria back so that has caused some more concern. More so for me than anything else. But round 2 of antibiotics has started and will hopefully knock things out.

So next big appointment is on September 7. I am looking so forward to that one to make sure our little nugget is still growing big and strong and that all looks healthy. I love seeing her moving around on screen. Last time we got the thumbs up from her. I am hoping that was God's sign to us that all will be well.

I am so ready to meet her!

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

So excited!!!!!!

My twin sister had her baby last night. Another Boy! I was so excited to be able to go the hospital to meet him. He was a BIG BOY!

Dylan Cole

9lbs 4oz

21 inches long.

He is such a sweet heart. And they were kind enough to let me come visit whenever I wanted. Which means I have had a lot of cuddle time already. That makes me even more excited for baby girl's arrival. And yet one arm will feel empty. But I'm going to be grateful for what He has still blessed us with. Again.... easier said than done. But I will try my best.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Still here....

Sorry for the delay in posting.

We had our appointment last week and while I am still being optimistic I was disappointed to walk out of there. We were told that we were "not out of the woods yet". Our last appointment baby girl was measuring where she needed to be and was in the 97th% for height and weight. This appointment she was measuring over a week and a half behind and in the 26% for height and weight. Which can be normal but can also be a sign that things aren't going as well as they should be.

We go back to the specialist in Grand Rapids again on September 7 to have them do a fetal echocardiogram and to check her growth. We were pretty much told that at any time from there on out if they aren't happy with her progress then they will take her out. So we were left with a few unknowns.

I went back to work this week for about 4-5 hours a day. It was great. Kept my mind off things which was what I needed. But then towards the middle of the week I started to have a lot of contractions again and was not feeling well at all. Pretty sure the bacteria is back and not making things easy.

Not such a big deal except Ryan left Friday for Canada for a week. We went back and forth on whether or not he should go and decided that he should. I was planning on spending some time with him and having a few date nights this week but ended up home sleeping instead. I left work Friday around 1 and almost made him stay home cause I felt so terrible. But after laying down for a few hours and taking a nap I felt a little better and told him to go. He didn't even pack until 15 minutes before he was going to leave.

So now the countdown is on. 6 more days til Ryan comes home. Which is also when our next appointment is here with our doctor. Friday cannot come quick enough.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


I am looking forward to tomorrow. We meet with the specialist again.

I am ready for some more reassurance and peace of mind

I need to see baby girl and know that she is growing

I have questions I need answered.

I would love for these next 16 weeks to fly by.

With no more worry.

Possible??? Probably not.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

through the storm

I finally went to church today. First time since we found out about our loss. Another God intervention today. We have been looking for a new music director for a while and had one "interview" today. As he was up front leading the singing he started talking about his son who was very sick and they didn't know if he was going to make it. Then he said how he knows that within the congregation that there were bound to be people "walking through the storm" and that this song really helped him and his wife. Then we began to sing "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redmon. WOW!!!!

Little did this guy know that when we lost Blake and James we always thought of them when singing the song "Blessed Be Your Name" by ...... you guessed it Matt Redmon.

I have still been having contractions. Some painful so I know they are the real thing. And was told by the doctor that I needed to watch out for fever and also abdominal pain. Well the last week or so the abdominal pain has started. So that has me very worried. Thankfully no fever yet and baby girl is still a movin' and letting me know she is here. Still makes me anxious to get to the specialist on Thursday. But then listening to the lyrics of the song we sang Sunday...

Oh no you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm

Oh no you never let go
Every high and every low

Oh no you never let go
Lord you never let go of me.

I am very grateful for that. He wont let me go. Through a calm or storm.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Well lately it has been hard for me to reach out to anyone. And that includes the Big Guy. But I was taught an EXTREMELY valuable lesson tonight. Or so it feels.

I was putting the boys to bed since Ryan was at one of his "tournament" softball games. Meaning Recreation Mens Softball. And yet you would think it is the majors. :)

Well I started out with Will who did not have much of a nap today. He prayed a quick short one and said it was because he was super tired. Which of course made me smile.

Then I wandered into Caden's room. And I wish I had known in advance how that was going to go. I tucked him in and asked about Vacation Bible School and what was his favorite thing of the day. Had our usual before bed conversation and then told him it was time to pray. I heard the normal... bless the little kids in Haiti who have no food, thank you for my family, thank you for making me a "dude", help me to be good for mom and dad.... and then he reached out and touched my stomach and said "God Thank you for my baby sister in mom's tummy. And please keep playing with my babies in Heaven. Daddy say's you really love them". Then he said Amen.

I walked out of the room so proud of him and yet my heart aching. Not just because of our loss but because of a bigger loss. My faith in Him. HE is not to blame. HE said let the little children come to me. And my kids must be really special if he wanted another one already. That is what my focus needs to turn to. Him and His love for all of us. Even though I don't feel it right now. It is always there when I am ready for it.

Monday, August 1, 2011


I went to work today for about 4 hours. I needed to be able to get out of the house and got the all clear from the Dr. on Friday to give it a go. He left it in my hands which was nice. I know I am not going to do anything to jeopardize this precious baby girl. But it was great to get up and get out for a while.

And yet.... all I could feel was a bit of pity and being stared at. People who can't help but ask.... "how are you doing"? As if "good" could possibly be an answer. How do you say well pretty crappy. I lost one of my children. And that marks the count up to 3. I know they mean well but it just seems to me like one of those stupid questions.

With that being said.... I have gone through this before. I am going through it again. And I think I would have no clue what to say to others going through the situation. Other than sometimes life sucks and there is no explanation. YET.