Aching....

I find myself aching a lot these days. My heart longs for something I know will not happen. And it hurts. And I don't know how to grieve about it appropriately while again.... trying to maintain that healthy balance of grief and gratefulness.

Then on my way to work today I happen to see that someone has laid a bunch of baby pumpkins on the gravestones by Blake and James. There wasn't enough for everyone but what a sweet gesture. I also know that there is an older gentleman who goes out and waters the flowers every day. I ran into him once and expressed my thanks to him and he told me how sad he was when our headstone arrived. We were the first ones in this specific "babyland". A complete stranger watching over our boy resting place. Gratefulness......

Hearing about a few different couples who just welcomed healthy twins to their families. One of the couples actually having the first baby at home while trying to get ahold of family. And everyone being ok. Gratefulness......

The other couple being induced at 39 weeks and ending up with an emergency c-section but again thankfully with the result of mom and babies all doing well. A long awaited addition to this incredible family. Gratefulness......

Then going into work today and hearing from someone whose niece just gave birth to twins two weeks ago. Holding the baby girl this weekend to have her die in her mothers arm with no known reason. Grief......

Knowing that possibly anytime between now and a few short weeks we will finally get to meet our precious girl who continues to fight and beat the odds. Gratefulness......

But knowing that instead of bringing home 2 babies we will once again be burying one. Extreme Grief.....

Listening to my two rambunctious boys going crazy in their room while I write this even though they are supposed to be on time out? Gratefulness....

Is my heart jealous? Absolutely. Will I ever understand the Why??? No. Do I still find comfort through it all? I'm trying to. Does that sometimes entail tears of happiness and sadness? On a daily basis.

For those of you who have been so gracious and helpful.... there are no words to express my gratitude.

Not Forgotten

Last night Ryan was looking through our blog and reminded me that while what is going on is super important and obviously thought consuming..... we do have 2 other kids that have been keeping up laughing and enjoying life. So I thought I better do a post about them and what they have been up to. :)

Hunting season has begun and Ryan was able to take a 6 point on opening weekend. The boys love to pretend they are hunting at the house and practice with Ryan as much as they can. So when he called us and said he shot one they were so excited. We all got dressed so we could go and track it. So we met him out by his parents property and off we went. We got to his stand and he told the boys which direction he "thought" it went and off they went. We could see it laying from where we were standing but it was fun watching them run off and look all over. And then scream "there it is". I thought they would be grossed out or scared but they loved every minute. Even watching Ryan gut it. Congrats Babe!

Caden and William continue to be so great with everything going on. They are the best of friends and worst of enemies. And yet they take such great care of each other. Caden even wakes up in the morning and makes breakfast for Will when i'm not feeling well. They are just incredible and I couldn't feel more blessed by them.

In preparation for the baby we put the boys in the same room in bunkbeds. They love it!!! And have done great from day one. I was worried since Caden is like his dad and falls asleep immediately and wakes up early and William likes to talk and stay up late like his mom and then sleep in as much as possible. But they have been pretty good about not bugging each other.

While I have had to take it incredibly easy this means that Ryan has become way busier. But he is doing great with it all! Caden is playing soccer right now which means practice 2 nights a week and games on Saturday's. While Caden really didn't seem too interested last year he has seemed to grasp what it is all about now. In fact he has been the leading scorer for the team and goes out with a vengance. And through it all his brother is his biggest fan. This picture is after Caden scored 3 goals and was taken out to sit a quarter.

I am so blessed to have these 3 incredible guys in my life. They are what keeps me going.

I Love You All!!!

all smiles today

I went to our appointment today expecting the worst. In fact I had my dad come with me thinking it would be go time. That way Ryan would be able to get some work done this morning before we were sent off. But instead I was pleasantly surprised.

We found that our fluid levels had gone up and that baby girl had indead put on some more weight. WHAT A SHOCK!!! I could not believe it. And so therefore it was a fun day. Especially watching my dad in the ultrasound room. Watching her moving all over and him not having a clue as to what we were looking at. So he asked a lot of questions which made it even more fun and made it last much longer. Plus our tech had an intern with her and they asked if I minded if she took a look also. I would never pass up the chance to see her for longer.

So now we continue on and keep getting monitored. I go in again on Saturday for another NST and then on Tuesday we meet with the specialist to see what he is thinking. He had said that he wasn't going to let us go past 37 weeks. That means I could possibly be holding my baby girl in 3 and 1/2 weeks. I can't wait!

until tomorrow.....

well we had our appointment this morning and things are still a waiting game. Our weekly Ultrasound/ AFI/ Placenta check followed by the Non Stress Test is every Wednesday and Saturday. So instead of trying to switch everything around to today we just left it as is.

While we are concerned about the fluid level our doctor here did say that he has seen much worse. And while we want to be cautious we are also doing the right thing by being monitored so closely already.

So tomorrow it is.... a day that I am praying/assuming will go just fine. :)

late update...

Oops... I guess I was so worried about remembering the Pregnancy and Infant Loss day that I forgot to update from my testing on Saturday.

I went by myself and was told that from now on that would be a big no-no. While baby girl is looking great they are not real impressed with my amniotic fluid levels still. I was told that the danger zone was anything less than 8 and I had dropped from a 9 to a 7.9. So they are more concerned. I was supposed to have a week off of doctors visits but got stuck on bedrest having to drink gallons upon gallons of water until Tuesday when my doctor will be in. So moving forward I cannot go by myself because it could be "anytime" and I'm not allowed to walk in or out of the hospital due to the contractions increasing.

While all of this is highly concerning I almost feel like the boy who cried wolf. I keep being told anytime.... anytime.... anytime. And then I make it another week with another issue that comes up.

I just hope that baby girl is ok. That is all that matters.

Times 3....

One wick for each of my angels..... I Love You!!!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

A Good Day!

I went in for another round of testing today. I got to have an ultrasound where they checked baby girl out and also looked over the amniotic fluid and something with the umbilical cord and placenta. I was a little shocked when the nurse told me that the notes on my chart showed my amniotic fluid was low. No one said anything to me!!! But I figured since I hadn't heard from the doctor yet they must not be too concerned.

Next she started taking lots of pictures and measurements. I love watching her moving all over the place! She definitely has a lot of fire in her and doesn't like to be poked and prodded. Everytime they try to do stuff with her she starts going crazy and it takes twice as long. Maybe it's God's way of letting me watch her longer. Anyways.... the nurse then told me that she was still measuring about a week behind but that her weight was up to around 3lbs 12 oz. WOW.... last week she was at 3lbs even. But it did show that it could be +/- 9oz. I'm going to ignore that I saw that and pretend that she put on almost a full pound in a week. :)

Still having lots of contractions but seems that things are holding steady for this week. I'll take it.

Disheartened.....

Just wanted to give another update from our appt this morning in grand rapids….

Things did not go as well as we would have liked. Big Shock hugh? Sorry for the negative attitude.

anyways..... We went in for our growth check and found that baby p. has dropped into the 5th percentile and is still measuring about 2 weeks behind. So the doctor is much more concerned. Our plan of action now is that I will go into the hospital 3 times a week for some Non-Stress Tests and also to check the umbilical cord and make sure that the blood flow is ok.

We were essentially told that we needed to go home and pack a bag and put/keep it in the car. Cause if the test shows any type of distress from here on out we will be sent right to grand rapids and they will take her out.

It was encouraging to hear that at this point we have a 95% chance of bringing baby home some time. Even if it isn't right away. But not knowing what will happen is a little disheartening. He also said that keeping her in too long would be tempting fate and that is when the possibility of her being stillborn or having lots of complications would come into play. I was also told that a c-section is a good possibility. Because he didn't know if she would be able to handle being born naturally. So still a lot of unknowns....

But we are trying to trust the One who gave her to us.

We still covet and appreciate all your prayers!

Thankful

We met with our small group tonight. It always amazes me how lucky we are to have them around. We met for the first time over 7 years ago and they have been there for us in ways that I cannot even begin to explain. Starting as a group shortly after we lost Blake and James they know alot about us and our journey to parenthood. Both past and present.

Tonight the couple who hosted suggested that we pray over each couple and specifically their struggles and praises. So 5 couples all on a different road right now. And each of us laying hands to pray over them, or being blessed to be the couple who was blessed to have such close friends praying over you. Definitely an emotion / incredible night that I will never forget.

I'm so thankful to a God who knows exactly what we need and when. Trying to put on a "good front" tonight was not an option. Even though I prayed to keep it together and be strong beforehand. So I was glad to be around people who I felt comfortable just letting it all out in front of. Cause lets face it.... It's Still Hard. And i'm sick of having to pretend it isn't.

On a side note.... we meet with our specialist tomorrow. I'm praying that Baby P has put on some extra weight so we don't have to worry so much.