Saturday, December 15, 2012


I'm sure everyone has heard about the shooting in Connecticut...... my heart breaks for these families. How can someone even consider walking into a school, looking at all those sweet innocent faces, and then taking their lives.

My sister called me late in the afternoon to tell me about what happened. I had no idea and my stomach was immediately nauseous. There was a pit there the size of a bowling ball as I imagined my sweet William sitting in his kindergarten class. The fear that must have surrounded those kids. Not knowing what was happening and surely not comprehending the outcome that was possible. Once i knew that my boys were home, I could not help but call to just hear their voices and to tell them how much I love them. And the hugs lasted quite a while longer than normal, bedtime was a little bit later, and the prayers lasted a lot longer.

To the families.....
No words can express the heartache that will be with you through these next days, months, and years to come. But there are strangers out there who will be praying for you.

And my heart is hopeful knowing that 3 of my boys will be welcoming them into the best place there is. Giving them assurance - fear not! For your heavenly Father is so excited to have you running into his arms.

We weep for you precious babies.... but Heaven is now a better place with you there.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

One Year (late)

Well Kamryn's one year birthday has come and gone on November 10th. I have sat down a few different times to write about it but just haven't pulled through. There has been a lot going on here and time got away. (I totally sucked at the October challenge but may still finish it up).

But for today....Kamryn's Stats:
She is FINALLY on the charts! She weighed in at 15lbs 8oz which put her in the first percentile. That means out of 100 kids, she is bigger than 1 of them! :) You go girl!

But milestone wise she is right on the money. She is walking all over the place. Loves to clap, dance, play peek a boo, wave bye bye, and take her brothers toys away and just giggle, giggle, giggle. She says mama, dada, and uh oh along with tons of babbling. She has helped heal our hearts. We sure do wish that Jackson was able to be here with us but I am confident that he had quite the party up with his other Father.

We had a small party for Kamryn with just family and she is definitely a blessed/loved little girl.

Our little miracle in her birthday outfit

Protective older brother. Caden (and William) both adore her!

Glitter Batons... every girl needs one. Just not when she has 2 older brothers who treat it like a sword. This leads to glitter water all over. And a not so happy mama.

Crazy girl. She was not real thrilled with her cupcake. In fact she wanted nothing to do with it.

She did however LOVE the chocolate cake that her dad had.
Her new buddy.
Happy Birthday Sweet Miracle Girl and Heavenly Baby Boy! We Love You Both So Much.
Mama and Dada

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Day 6

Day 6 : What NOT to say. (note the massive amounts of sarcasm in the captions) If you are ever surrounded by someone who loses a child.... dont say any of these. If you don't know what to say.... nothing is way better than something that can come across rude or insensitive.

this is what we were told when we lost Jackson. Apprarently only losing one baby means that you shouldnt be sad.

We would have never been able to love them if something was wrong. So it was a blessing that they were taken from us.

(i can't figure out how to spin this one) I must have issues with being busy or working hard for my kids and that is why God took them away from me. Cause people said they didnt know how we would be able to handle it.

I fogot a different one too.... the ever impressive....  well you can always try for more. I dont even need to follow up further on that one.

Friday, October 5, 2012

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

As many of you know October is an important month for people like me. We dont need reminders of our loved ones. But it is nice to have a reason to remember and celebrate what they mean to us. notice i say mean not meant.

I was given this link from an old friend whose brother and sister just lost a baby. She said they were going to take part and thought it might be something i would be interested in. Now I have not spoken to this girl very much since high school. But the fact that she sent this to me really brought tears to me. So grateful....

So i am a few days behind and have not had a chance to take a picture of a sunset so i am just going to use the picture from her blog.....

So day 1:

Day 2: a picture of myself before my loss
Day 3: a picture of myself after loss ( i know it isnt a picture of me personally, but without Ryan and my kids i would be nothing. They make me - Me.)

Day 4: a Treasured Item- this is my tote that I have all of my "memories" from my three angels. Hospital blankets, the bracelets from Blake, James, and Jackson, pictures, books, cards, emails, and so much more. If anything ever happened to this, I don't know what I would do.
Day 5: Memorial - I have a few plants that we were given in memories of our babies.... Some Tiger Lilies, a peace lily, some blue hydrangea's, and so much more. I don't have any pictures that I can find right now though other than the peace lily. see post here....;postID=5896536962318309171





Tuesday, October 2, 2012

i think i could cry.....

from being so proud of my boys.

Every day on the way to school we pray together asking for a good day, safety, to listen and obey, and they will bring up things that they have heard about or seen. Well today was no different. On our way to school we passed a house on our street who had a tree that dropped a TON of leaves. It is a home where an older lady lives alone. (can you see where i'm going with this?)

Well my Caden says "mom we need to pray and we should pray for her". So we did. As soon as we were done he yells..... I have an idea! Let's go rake her yard tonight. That way she won't have to do it. Great idea buddy! So we get home tonight, had dinner, then headed outside. Our neighbor kids were outside as well and wanted to come help. So Ryan and I and the 3 kids (Kam didnt help much but wanted to be involved) along with our neighbor Eric and his 3 kids all trekked down the street carrying our rakes.

We got to the yard and the kids did so INCREDIBLE! They were raking fools. And Mrs. Dolores came outside asking what church we were with. And was quite surprised when I told her that we weren't from a church but lived down the street and that it was our 7 and 5 year olds idea to come help her out. She was so happy she even called the local paper and tried to get someone down to do an article on us. At which point Ryan and Eric said they would run and leave the kids behind with me. Nice huh? :) We told her that we didn't come to get anything out of it but that the kids wanted to help. She said she had to do something and brought each of them a dollar. Talk about perma grins on 6 kids.

The boys kept saying that they loved being a good samaritan. I'm so proud.

I can't believe i didnt have my camera or phone to take a picture though. :(

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Adults Only

This weekend was Great! My Ryan's birthday is coming up on the 26th. A while back I had asked him what he wanted for his present and his response was simple. He just wanted to go fishing, him and I since we didnt get to do much on vacation this summer. It is hard to do with 3 kids under 7. Especially with an infant.

So I made some calls and arranged for the kids to have a place to go for the weekend. We both took Friday off of work and headed to my grandma's cottage that I rented until Sunday afternoon. NICE! The only problem was that the weather man was calling for rain all weekend long. So we dropped the boys off at school and Ryan's mom came to watch Kamryn for the day. (She watches them every Friday - Blessed!) Before we headed to the cottage though we made a quick detour to Gander Mountain and bought me some new rain gear and a few lures. So glad we did that! I would have been miserable otherwise.

We got the boat launched, went to the cottage and unpacked, then geared up and headed out. I love fishing. Especially with Ryan. But it is not as enjoyable in the freezing cold with downpouring rain. Even so we vowed to make the best of it. And it was worth it when my hubby realed this bad boy in...... Nice pike huh? :)

Anyone who knows me knows that I am deathly afraid of the water. After watching him land this guy.....well it made me realize I won't be swimming in there anytime soon. We both also caught a couple nice bass and then called it a night. Saturday we came back home to watch the boys play soccer (which was canceled due to rain) then headed right back out. Did some more fishing in the pouring cold rain and I caught 5 really nice bass like these and Ryan didn't catch anything. But he was fishing for more pike, not really for bass.

Sunday we didn't catch anything and ended up heading back home early cause we missed the kids terribly. It was our first weekend away from the boys in a really long time and the first time leaving Kamryn. Man were we glad to get them in our arms. :) This weekend was a great time to reconnect with each other and have some fun. Even in the rain.

p.s. I think I am going to write the DNR asking for them to open up a season on The Blue Heron. Every day as we were fishing these birds scared the living you know what out of me. They sound like a Velociraptor flying through the air. I thought I was going to fall out of the boat one time it scared me so bad. I will have my revenge somehow....

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Constant Reminders

Just when things are going well and life is sailing smoothly.... WHAM! A reminder of what happened. Our fertility clinic has to keep track of eery pregnancy outcome that happens at their facility. So we received a letter asking when our little ones arrived, weight, sex, etc.

So I called and left a message after hours hoping that the answers would be sufficient. Well I must have not been clear enough so got a call from one of the nurses for clarification. I explained a bit more and her response was "wow- you sure have been through a lot". Yup....we have. But thankfully the outcome this time left me with one open arm not two. And my heart has healed a little each day when I listen to the laughter by the three I have here.

I wonder how others out there respond when asked about their situations. When people ask you about your kids do you include the ones you lost? I do sometimes and other times don't when I can't handle the explainations. But then I feel so guilty. I know they are there. That I have 6 kids only though 3 are visible.

On a lighter side though - Kamryn has her first tooth finally. Only took 10 months to get it. She handled it like a champ. :)

Saturday, September 8, 2012


Tonight was a great night. We took the kids out to supper and then decided to take them to the Outdoor Discovery Center. I was supposed to chaperonea field trip there for Caden's class on Friday but since it was supposed to rain it was canceled. Talk about a disappointed kid. So Ryan and I had our own field trip with him, William and Kamryn. They loved wandering all the trails and in the middle there is a bird atrium. One of the falcons had even caught a mouse so we watched him have dinner for a while.

We got home and I was putting the boys to bed with Ryan and we went through our normal routine of talking about the day and then saying prayers with them. Caden loves to have his back scratched so I climbed up to the top bunk with him and started scratching.

Next thing I know Ryan is shaking me and telling me to get up. There is just something so sweet about laying next to your kids snuggling and then waking up with them in your arms. :)

Ryan helped me climb down and as I was kissing William good night he opens his eyes and tells me that tomorrow night it is his turn. You got it buddy!

Sleep tight my sweet angels.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

9 months

Kamryn turned 9 months last week. I cannot believe it. We went to the doctor last night for her appointment. It was good and bad.
Here are her stats....
Height - 26 inches
Weight - 13lbs 11oz.
Head circ. - 25%

So she is just squeaking into the 1st percentile. Since the end of April she has only gained 11 oz. :(

Thankfully though she is meeting all the milestones of a 9 month old. She just looks like a 4 month old still. We were told once again that it is something that we may need to be concerned about. If she does not start to catch up by the time she is 2 then we will have to see a specialist to make sure there isnt something wrong with her growth hormones or some other issue.

It could be nothing but he would rather get it checked and know then not do something and have it be an issue. And due to the complications that we faced during the pregnancy and that she was not growing well then already.... it raises a red flag.

We are not worried about it just yet. I just think we will never have to worry about her being on the bottom of a pyramid, or drastically increasing our grocery bill, or growing out of clothes too quickly. :)

And her smile and attitude is big enough to make her seem like a toddler already.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

VaCaTiOn 2012

We had our vacation this past week. We started it out with the flu bug and esentially ended it with a bug. So not exactly what we expected but we made the best of it and had fun. Having a 9 month old certainly changed the dynamics in ways we didnt think about. There wasn't a lot of time for Ryan and I to reconnect but it is worth every minute.
How could you look at these sweet faces and not think so....

I have to locate the camera so I can get a picture with Caden. These are just 2 uploaded from my phone. I love these kids more than words can say.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Pure love

every night when we put the kids to bed we pray with them and talk to them about their day. And then before bed we go back in to check them and cover them up if they need it. Tonight I was doing laundry and went in to put some of their stuff away.
To my surprise Caden was still awake. (this never happens! Normally as soon as he hits his pillow he is asleep within 5 seconds)So I started to stratch his back and we started talking. Life hasn't been easy lately with a lot of stresses and we were having a great talk. He stops and grabs my hand and proceeds to ask if I think we should pray together.

This boy amazes me and when my heart is sad and heavy... he lifts me up. I am so blessed to be his mom.

Friday, August 3, 2012

One more week

til we are on VACATION!!!

A much needed vacation. Time to get away from work, drama, the day to day business that consumes so much of your life.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

1 year ago (started on July 12)

One year ago today I just didnt feel right. You ever have that feeling? The result..... well it sucked. But as i sit here and type this out I cant help but feel grateful at the same time. 10 days ago we mourned the passing of Blake and James. Today we remember that Jackson joined his brothers. But I am at this moment trying to keep Kamryn from smashing the buttons on the computer.
So while there is anger and disappointment and wonder..... this time there is also joy and happiness and a strange comfort. Dont get me wrong - I would give so much to have my boys here with me.
I dont think that time can heal all things. I dont think you ever fully heal. I think that you just learn to deal with it differently.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

8 years ago (started on July 2)

was the day I wore my first maternity clothes. I was so sick that I finally broke into them at 5 months. Being our first pregnancy we didnt know any better. My husband was so great! Holding my hair while I puked every day. Numerous times.

We did things so differently that day looking back. we had always driven seperately but for some reason this appointment we drove together. We arrived at the office full of excitement. We were halfway through the pregnancy and excited to schedule our ultrasound and hear the hearbeat. Dr. Hulst came in and teased me about my color like normal and then took out the doppler. After a few minutes of silence he said that he wanted to go get another one to try out but not to worry. He came back after what seemed like forever with another one and tried. Still silence. He told us still not to worry but let's just schedule an ultrasound for that same day to make sure. We went home and were told to drink as much water as possible and then to go to the hospital after an hour.

Talk about a long hour. The time dragged by and to pass it Ryan and I played cards, prayed, and cried. We walked into the hospital defeated but still trying to hold out hope. We had been at a church conference the weekend before and I had felt movement for the first time! Things had to be fine. Entering the ultrasound for the first time in our lives was an experience that was so different from how we had imagined. There was no excitement. Just fear. The technician began and we could see a baby. Not knowing what we were looking at. Then came the shock. There was a part where it came to entering the number of fetus's. And she put a 2! Ryan saw it and looked at me with eyes as wide as I have ever seen. The technician wrapped up and said she was not allowed to say anything.

My poor husband knowing the results asked....there are two of them and they are gone. To which she replied yes. She then told us to take as much time as we needed and we stayed there and continued to weep. As we finished she came back into the room and gave me a hug.

We went home to tell our families. That is the worst phone call anyone could make. We called our parents and told them to get to our house as soon as possible. My dad had just left that morning for a business trip so we had an attendant waiting at the gate for him. Within a matter of minutes, ryan's parents, my mom, and my twin were at our house.

Time had to figure out what steps were needed. My family was taking a big vacation to Colorado the following week. There were two choices that we had. We could be put into labor and deliver the babies. Or we could wait for my body to reject them on it's own which had a few different risks. Talking it over with our families and our Dr. we decided to be induced that afternoon.

It was a wednesday around 4p.m. and we were moved into our room. Right across from the nurses station. Surrounded by family. There was nothing to do but wait. We found out my dad would not be able to get home right away and I knew I wanted him to be there. I was given Pitocin and things got underway. But not very quickly. My sisters and their husbands decided to sleep at the hospital to keep us company. So part way throught the night I could not sleep. So Ryan and I got up and wandered over to the family waiting area and spied on them. We must have been too loud cause they all woke up and we talked and joked around for a bit. Then we went back to our room to try to get some more sleep. Things did not progress quickly at all and the pitocin was up'd some more. Before we knew it, it was Friday. My dad was almost to the hospital and I felt things would be happening soon but I wanted so badly to wait for him. He finally arrived around midnight and at 12:55a.m. we welcomed Blake Hunter followed at 1:00a.m. by James Bridger. Ryan and I held our boys and cried. Then allowed our families to come in to see and hold them as well. I can still picture myself holding them both and watching everyone walk in. One of my biggest regrets is not taking pictures. I had thought that the reminders would haunt me forever. And instead I wish on a daily basis that I had them. Thankfully our sweet nurse took some on her own, just in case we would change our minds. And we did. Within a week those pictures were developed and next to my bed. And they are still looked at on a weekly basis.

There are so many more details that i didnt put in here. Like having the best nurses in the world, the weighted bear that became my baby for a while to comfort my empty arms, my sisters not leaving my side, picking out names and not coming up with any girl ones cause we just knew they were boys, Ryan's brother Ben yelling at the nurses cause I had to pee, being surrounded and supported by so many people, the mass amounts of comfort we received in the weeks after by meals, and cards, and prayers.

Still cannot believe this happened to us and yet my heart feels touched as I write this now.

Boys- You are lucky to be in heaven right now. I cannot wait for you to be in my arms again.

Monday, June 25, 2012


i am dreading the fact that July is only a week away. I will forever hate the month.

In one week I will celebrate the fact that Blake and James; my first borns, will be 8. But instead of throwing a party here tossing water ballons, or doing silly string, or a pinata, or taking a day off of work to play I will be visiting their grave site.

Then 10 days after that i will be reminded that one year ago we found out that we had lost Jackson and the journey we went through to get Kamryn here safely.

I know, I know..... we are so lucky to have what we do. But I still can't help to think about the fact that within 10 days I will be mourning the loss of 3 of my babies. It just doesn't seem fair. Even still after 8 years. They are still an ever present part of my life and who I am.

I love you boys.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

One year ago....

I can't believe how things have changed from last year until now. Just over a year ago I first felt Kamryn and Jackson moving. I could not believe it. I was only 14 weeks along but I know for sure that it was real.

Sick as a dog but grateful for every moment. Soaking in the realization that I was going to be a mom to 2 babies again and not sure what was going to happen.

To say that I dread the fact that we are almost in July is an understatement. Never will I be glad for that month. I received "independence" in a way that I never wanted. I lost Blake and James on July 2 and found out on July 12th that we had lost Jackson and Kamryn was in danger.

But here we are.... Beginning of June a year later. We have 3 angels that I would give anything to have here but 3 precious children enjoying life with us. I am so thankful for that. For all the fun that we have with them. For all the fun that will come in the years to come. (God willing!)

I still look back and can't believe the journey we have gone through to get where we are today. I know that we will be a stronger family because of it. But I still have my days where the sadness is too much to bear. And all I want it to have 3 more boys ramming around wrestling.

On those nights though..... I just sit and stare at what I do have. And my heart feels a little better.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Mental Block

I have had a few different times where I was going to sit down and write some really good posts. But by the time I have a few minutes or get by the computer I cannot remember for the life of me what it was. So for now a quick update.
Kamryn had her 6 month appointment and she is doing great. She finally broke the 12 pound mark! :) But isnt on the charts yet. But she is a fiesty little nugget and we are having so much fun with her.
She has another double ear infection and will be going in for a tube consult soon since this is her 5th or 6th one since March and she was on antibiotics when she started this latest one. CrAzY!

We have had so much fun lately and have been so busy. But i finally uploaded a few pictures. Some of the kids, some from our cabin up north over memorial day, and a few from William's preschool graduation.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mothers Day

Mothers Day..... One of my favorite days of the year. Not just because Ryan normally lets me sleep in and brings me up breakfast in bed and cards that he made on his own with the kids. Or because of the plate I knew I would be getting from William. Or for the flower that Caden could not wait to give me in the pot that he painted.

Mothers Day means so much more to me. It reminds me of all the hardships that I went through to get to where I am today. I have 6 incredible kids. And while I only get to raise 3 of them here, I am so excited for the excitement of when I get to really meet the other 3. To see them smile, to wrap my arms around them once again, and to tell them there was not a single day that passed when I didnt think about them. That I became a mom back in 2004 for the first time. There are some out there that don't think that having angel babies count but let me tell you something..... they are WRONG!

Whether you are a mom, a woman who wants to BE a mom, a mom to kids that aren't by blood, a woman who doesnt desire kids but loves to spoil others, or a mom to angels..... today is for YOU. And you mean the world to a LOT of Someones. Me included.

To my mom and mother in law..... Thank you for all you do. I love you with all my heart and would not be who I am today without you.

Monday, April 30, 2012

Williams 5!!!

(i started this post on the 13th and am just getting around to finishing it. I feel like such a blog slacker lately.)

What a great day it was on Friday April 13th. My William turned 5 and it was quite the special day for him. We started the day off by me being the special helper in his class. Which means he got to do special things. Big stuff to a preschooler.

Then when class was done I took him out on a date. Just me and my big boy. I told him we could do whatever he wanted. So he choose Wendy's for lunch. I got the 10 piece nugget for us to split and by the time I went to grab one he had them all gone. WOW! Guess your appetite gets bigger as you get older. :)

When he was stuffed he told me he wanted to go to crazy bounce which is a indoor play area with inflatables. That was great as it was just the two of us for the first little bit. But then two younger girls showed up and i was told i could go sit on the bench cause he had some new friends to play with..... ummmmmm NO! I told him this was OUR day together and stole him back. I know.... I know.... a little ridiculous on my part but I don't get enough time with them now that i'm working full time again so I need to take as much as I can get.

So after that little fiasco I asked if he wanted to leave and go bowling instead. So we did. And Ryan was able to stop by for just a little bit which Will loved. And i'm not going to say which mom got beat by her 5 year old either. I blame the fact that I actually threw the ball while he used the little ramp thing.

The entire day was such a blessing and then we had his party that night. Complete with presents, cake, a dora pinata (long story behind that one), and lots of love and laughter.

I am so blessed beyond words. My heart is getting all warm again just thinking about it all. Once my sister gets me pictures I will get some uploaded. (anyone else sick of hearing that?) :(

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Special Day

This past weekend was a big deal at the Petroelje household. Kamryn turned 4 months. But more importantly we had her baptized on Sunday. The boys were just as excited about it as we were. :)

What a special day. To be able to give her back to the one who blessed our family. There were a lot of times that I didn't think that it would happen. And I had a lot of anger towards God. And still do in part. But I also realize that HE is that One. The One who led us through the storm. Blessed be His Name. It wasn't an easy journey. But it was one that He walked through with us..... in fact He carried us through it. What a great and awesome God we serve. There were tears shed thinking about Jackson of course. But again... they weren't all tears of sadness.

I am in a bible study on the book of James right now. By Beth Moore. And something she says will stick with me forever! "Joy and sadness can dance together". I love it!!!

I forgot my camera but thankfully my sister brought hers so I will post some later. But for now.... I will leave you with 2 taken at home. She had taken off her bow and booties by then but is still as sweet as ever. She even wore the baptism gown I wore when I was a baby. What a sweet day.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Her First....

Well Kamryn has had her first sickness. The past week she has been very congested and we could tell she finally caught the cold the rest of us had been battling. We were so excited that she avoided the flu bug. On Tuesday she had green goop coming out of her eyes so I called the dr. on Wednesday morning and made an appointment for that afternoon. She had been eating and sleeping great and wasn't fussy. We got into the office and I was told that she had a sinus infection and a raging ear infection. I'm so glad that she had that goop or I never would have thought to bring her in and she could have been miserable.

She continues to amaze me with her toughness. :)
and now weighs 10lbs 11 oz.

This weekend we are going with Ryan's family to a hotel to spend a night with everyone. Should be a good time. And I promise I will get some sort of pictures posted soon.

Monday, January 23, 2012

2 Months

I can't believe how far behind I am already!!! But being back at work means less computer time. Because when I get home I'm playing with the kids then after bedtime I try to gain control back over the house. And it seems like a lost cause. But worth every minute. :)

But Kamryn had her 2 month check up and all is looking great!
She weighed 8lbs 13 oz
And she has grown 3 inches and is now at 21.

She is still just a little peanut but seems gigantic now since when we brought her home she was only 4lbs and 13 oz. The boys are still crazy about her and have been such big helpers.

Caden is in basketball camp right now and loves it. And William continues to keep us on our toes in all that he does. I get to be the helper in his class tomorrow which should be interesting.

But that is it for now. Kamryn is ready to get out of the shower (which she has LOVED since day one) so that is it for tonight. I promise I will get some more updates and pictures up soon.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


I cannot believe how long it has been since I posted. And this is going to be a short one too. I promise I will get around to posting about the holidays soon.

BUT..... since I have to go back to work TOMORROW I am going to spend as much time with my kiddos as possible. I never thought I could be a full time stay at home mom but now that the kids are older and in school and Kamryn is going to be our last baby - I cant imagine going back to work. Since Ryan is self employed though I have to carry the insurance for the family. So I just don't know how that is an option right now.

I am so thankful that my maternity leave fell within the holidays. I was able to have so much time with all the kids at home and it was a blast! And even though there were days I felt I did nothing but run them back and forth to school it was still a time I cherished.

So here is hoping that someday we win the lottery so I can stay home. Or that someone passes a law for stay at home moms to be paid and get insurance. :)