Have you ever wanted something to be so bad only to have it stripped away from you - twice. And then later on to be completely surrounded by it?
To be so confused because you are so excited for others but yet your heart drops into your butt as you are sitting listening to others to the point you feel like you are suffocating?
To have excitement, confusion, jealousy, anger, anxiety, excitement, and depression all mixed into one ball.
I think I have asked "why" more times than any person should have to. And yet- I also feel so blessed at the same time.
It is hard and sometimes perspective is a tricky thing. Dont get me wrong - I love my Ryan and Caden, William and Kamryn more than words could EVER express. They are my world! But even still- my arms ache to know what it would be like to have my twins here. Both sets. To see Blake and James turn 9 this year. To watch Jackson run around with Kamryn and cause even more mischief.
To have both arms filled. To have my heart whole. Cause right now.... there is a big piece missing. And I dont think that feeling will ever go away.
It. Sucks.
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Reports
I am so happy with my boys. They received their report cards this past Friday. This would be Caden's second one for the year and William's first.
Caden - the first quarter he had a few areas that he could use some improvement. Well this quarter he has reached all the goals that they want him to before moving up to second grade. He is so proud and had the biggest grin talking about all the things he knows. Which is everything if you ask him. :)
My William has far surpassed our expectations for how he would do this year. We were not impressed with his teacher last year and thought he would not be ready for Kindergarten the way Caden was. Even though Caden did young 5's, he was just so much better off in our opinion even without that. He had the same teacher for both preschool and young 5's and she was incredible and really focused on teaching while William's teacher just consistently told us that preschool was more about learning to play together. So needless to say when we got William's first report we were grinning from ear to ear.
BUT - my biggest pride comes from seeing the comments from their teachers. The boys both had comments about how respectful they are and willing to help others and they come to school with such meaningful prayer requests and tender hearts. I could explode with how proud of them I am.
If there is something I want my kids to take with them it wouldn't be knowledge as much as life long lessons. I will be happy if my kids know history, geography, and statistics. But I will be ecstatic if they can go through life being respectful, grateful, able to admit wrong and to own up to their mistakes. That is what is going to stick with them and that is what my prayer for them is.
I cannot wait to see what God has in store for them and only hope that they teach Kamryn the same.
Caden - the first quarter he had a few areas that he could use some improvement. Well this quarter he has reached all the goals that they want him to before moving up to second grade. He is so proud and had the biggest grin talking about all the things he knows. Which is everything if you ask him. :)
My William has far surpassed our expectations for how he would do this year. We were not impressed with his teacher last year and thought he would not be ready for Kindergarten the way Caden was. Even though Caden did young 5's, he was just so much better off in our opinion even without that. He had the same teacher for both preschool and young 5's and she was incredible and really focused on teaching while William's teacher just consistently told us that preschool was more about learning to play together. So needless to say when we got William's first report we were grinning from ear to ear.
BUT - my biggest pride comes from seeing the comments from their teachers. The boys both had comments about how respectful they are and willing to help others and they come to school with such meaningful prayer requests and tender hearts. I could explode with how proud of them I am.
If there is something I want my kids to take with them it wouldn't be knowledge as much as life long lessons. I will be happy if my kids know history, geography, and statistics. But I will be ecstatic if they can go through life being respectful, grateful, able to admit wrong and to own up to their mistakes. That is what is going to stick with them and that is what my prayer for them is.
I cannot wait to see what God has in store for them and only hope that they teach Kamryn the same.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Saturday, December 15, 2012
welcoming....
I'm sure everyone has heard about the shooting in Connecticut...... my heart breaks for these families. How can someone even consider walking into a school, looking at all those sweet innocent faces, and then taking their lives.
My sister called me late in the afternoon to tell me about what happened. I had no idea and my stomach was immediately nauseous. There was a pit there the size of a bowling ball as I imagined my sweet William sitting in his kindergarten class. The fear that must have surrounded those kids. Not knowing what was happening and surely not comprehending the outcome that was possible. Once i knew that my boys were home, I could not help but call to just hear their voices and to tell them how much I love them. And the hugs lasted quite a while longer than normal, bedtime was a little bit later, and the prayers lasted a lot longer.
To the families.....
No words can express the heartache that will be with you through these next days, months, and years to come. But there are strangers out there who will be praying for you.
And my heart is hopeful knowing that 3 of my boys will be welcoming them into the best place there is. Giving them assurance - fear not! For your heavenly Father is so excited to have you running into his arms.
We weep for you precious babies.... but Heaven is now a better place with you there.
My sister called me late in the afternoon to tell me about what happened. I had no idea and my stomach was immediately nauseous. There was a pit there the size of a bowling ball as I imagined my sweet William sitting in his kindergarten class. The fear that must have surrounded those kids. Not knowing what was happening and surely not comprehending the outcome that was possible. Once i knew that my boys were home, I could not help but call to just hear their voices and to tell them how much I love them. And the hugs lasted quite a while longer than normal, bedtime was a little bit later, and the prayers lasted a lot longer.
To the families.....
No words can express the heartache that will be with you through these next days, months, and years to come. But there are strangers out there who will be praying for you.
And my heart is hopeful knowing that 3 of my boys will be welcoming them into the best place there is. Giving them assurance - fear not! For your heavenly Father is so excited to have you running into his arms.
We weep for you precious babies.... but Heaven is now a better place with you there.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
One Year (late)
Well Kamryn's one year birthday has come and gone on November 10th. I have sat down a few different times to write about it but just haven't pulled through. There has been a lot going on here and time got away. (I totally sucked at the October challenge but may still finish it up).
But for today....Kamryn's Stats:
She is FINALLY on the charts! She weighed in at 15lbs 8oz which put her in the first percentile. That means out of 100 kids, she is bigger than 1 of them! :) You go girl!
But milestone wise she is right on the money. She is walking all over the place. Loves to clap, dance, play peek a boo, wave bye bye, and take her brothers toys away and just giggle, giggle, giggle. She says mama, dada, and uh oh along with tons of babbling. She has helped heal our hearts. We sure do wish that Jackson was able to be here with us but I am confident that he had quite the party up with his other Father.
We had a small party for Kamryn with just family and she is definitely a blessed/loved little girl.
But for today....Kamryn's Stats:
She is FINALLY on the charts! She weighed in at 15lbs 8oz which put her in the first percentile. That means out of 100 kids, she is bigger than 1 of them! :) You go girl!
But milestone wise she is right on the money. She is walking all over the place. Loves to clap, dance, play peek a boo, wave bye bye, and take her brothers toys away and just giggle, giggle, giggle. She says mama, dada, and uh oh along with tons of babbling. She has helped heal our hearts. We sure do wish that Jackson was able to be here with us but I am confident that he had quite the party up with his other Father.
We had a small party for Kamryn with just family and she is definitely a blessed/loved little girl.
Our little miracle in her birthday outfit
Protective older brother. Caden (and William) both adore her!
Glitter Batons... every girl needs one. Just not when she has 2 older brothers who treat it like a sword. This leads to glitter water all over. And a not so happy mama.
Crazy girl. She was not real thrilled with her cupcake. In fact she wanted nothing to do with it.
She did however LOVE the chocolate cake that her dad had.
Her new buddy.
Happy Birthday Sweet Miracle Girl and Heavenly Baby Boy! We Love You Both So Much.
Mama and Dada
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Day 6
Day 6 : What NOT to say. (note the massive amounts of sarcasm in the captions) If you are ever surrounded by someone who loses a child.... dont say any of these. If you don't know what to say.... nothing is way better than something that can come across rude or insensitive.
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| this is what we were told when we lost Jackson. Apprarently only losing one baby means that you shouldnt be sad. |
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| We would have never been able to love them if something was wrong. So it was a blessing that they were taken from us. |
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| (i can't figure out how to spin this one) I must have issues with being busy or working hard for my kids and that is why God took them away from me. Cause people said they didnt know how we would be able to handle it.
I fogot a different one too.... the ever impressive.... well you can always try for more. I dont even need to follow up further on that one.
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Friday, October 5, 2012
Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
As many of you know October is an important month for people like me. We dont need reminders of our loved ones. But it is nice to have a reason to remember and celebrate what they mean to us. notice i say mean not meant.
I was given this link http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/ from an old friend whose brother and sister just lost a baby. She said they were going to take part and thought it might be something i would be interested in. Now I have not spoken to this girl very much since high school. But the fact that she sent this to me really brought tears to me. So grateful....
So i am a few days behind and have not had a chance to take a picture of a sunset so i am just going to use the picture from her blog.....
So day 1:
Day 2: a picture of myself before my loss
Day 3: a picture of myself after loss ( i know it isnt a picture of me personally, but without Ryan and my kids i would be nothing. They make me - Me.)
I was given this link http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/ from an old friend whose brother and sister just lost a baby. She said they were going to take part and thought it might be something i would be interested in. Now I have not spoken to this girl very much since high school. But the fact that she sent this to me really brought tears to me. So grateful....
So i am a few days behind and have not had a chance to take a picture of a sunset so i am just going to use the picture from her blog.....
So day 1:
Day 2: a picture of myself before my loss
Day 4: a Treasured Item- this is my tote that I have all of my "memories" from my three angels. Hospital blankets, the bracelets from Blake, James, and Jackson, pictures, books, cards, emails, and so much more. If anything ever happened to this, I don't know what I would do.
Day 5: Memorial - I have a few plants that we were given in memories of our babies.... Some Tiger Lilies, a peace lily, some blue hydrangea's, and so much more. I don't have any pictures that I can find right now though other than the peace lily. see post here.... http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=9056485267323108481#editor/target=post;postID=5896536962318309171
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