Dreading.....

i am dreading the fact that July is only a week away. I will forever hate the month.

In one week I will celebrate the fact that Blake and James; my first borns, will be 8. But instead of throwing a party here tossing water ballons, or doing silly string, or a pinata, or taking a day off of work to play I will be visiting their grave site.

Then 10 days after that i will be reminded that one year ago we found out that we had lost Jackson and the journey we went through to get Kamryn here safely.

I know, I know..... we are so lucky to have what we do. But I still can't help to think about the fact that within 10 days I will be mourning the loss of 3 of my babies. It just doesn't seem fair. Even still after 8 years. They are still an ever present part of my life and who I am.

I love you boys.

One year ago....

I can't believe how things have changed from last year until now. Just over a year ago I first felt Kamryn and Jackson moving. I could not believe it. I was only 14 weeks along but I know for sure that it was real.

Sick as a dog but grateful for every moment. Soaking in the realization that I was going to be a mom to 2 babies again and not sure what was going to happen.

To say that I dread the fact that we are almost in July is an understatement. Never will I be glad for that month. I received "independence" in a way that I never wanted. I lost Blake and James on July 2 and found out on July 12th that we had lost Jackson and Kamryn was in danger.

But here we are.... Beginning of June a year later. We have 3 angels that I would give anything to have here but 3 precious children enjoying life with us. I am so thankful for that. For all the fun that we have with them. For all the fun that will come in the years to come. (God willing!)

I still look back and can't believe the journey we have gone through to get where we are today. I know that we will be a stronger family because of it. But I still have my days where the sadness is too much to bear. And all I want it to have 3 more boys ramming around wrestling.

On those nights though..... I just sit and stare at what I do have. And my heart feels a little better.

Mental Block

I have had a few different times where I was going to sit down and write some really good posts. But by the time I have a few minutes or get by the computer I cannot remember for the life of me what it was. So for now a quick update.
Kamryn had her 6 month appointment and she is doing great. She finally broke the 12 pound mark! :) But isnt on the charts yet. But she is a fiesty little nugget and we are having so much fun with her.
She has another double ear infection and will be going in for a tube consult soon since this is her 5th or 6th one since March and she was on antibiotics when she started this latest one. CrAzY!

We have had so much fun lately and have been so busy. But i finally uploaded a few pictures. Some of the kids, some from our cabin up north over memorial day, and a few from William's preschool graduation.

Mothers Day

Mothers Day..... One of my favorite days of the year. Not just because Ryan normally lets me sleep in and brings me up breakfast in bed and cards that he made on his own with the kids. Or because of the plate I knew I would be getting from William. Or for the flower that Caden could not wait to give me in the pot that he painted.

Mothers Day means so much more to me. It reminds me of all the hardships that I went through to get to where I am today. I have 6 incredible kids. And while I only get to raise 3 of them here, I am so excited for the excitement of when I get to really meet the other 3. To see them smile, to wrap my arms around them once again, and to tell them there was not a single day that passed when I didnt think about them. That I became a mom back in 2004 for the first time. There are some out there that don't think that having angel babies count but let me tell you something..... they are WRONG!

Whether you are a mom, a woman who wants to BE a mom, a mom to kids that aren't by blood, a woman who doesnt desire kids but loves to spoil others, or a mom to angels..... today is for YOU. And you mean the world to a LOT of Someones. Me included.

To my mom and mother in law..... Thank you for all you do. I love you with all my heart and would not be who I am today without you.

Williams 5!!!

(i started this post on the 13th and am just getting around to finishing it. I feel like such a blog slacker lately.)

What a great day it was on Friday April 13th. My William turned 5 and it was quite the special day for him. We started the day off by me being the special helper in his class. Which means he got to do special things. Big stuff to a preschooler.

Then when class was done I took him out on a date. Just me and my big boy. I told him we could do whatever he wanted. So he choose Wendy's for lunch. I got the 10 piece nugget for us to split and by the time I went to grab one he had them all gone. WOW! Guess your appetite gets bigger as you get older. :)

When he was stuffed he told me he wanted to go to crazy bounce which is a indoor play area with inflatables. That was great as it was just the two of us for the first little bit. But then two younger girls showed up and i was told i could go sit on the bench cause he had some new friends to play with..... ummmmmm NO! I told him this was OUR day together and stole him back. I know.... I know.... a little ridiculous on my part but I don't get enough time with them now that i'm working full time again so I need to take as much as I can get.

So after that little fiasco I asked if he wanted to leave and go bowling instead. So we did. And Ryan was able to stop by for just a little bit which Will loved. And i'm not going to say which mom got beat by her 5 year old either. I blame the fact that I actually threw the ball while he used the little ramp thing.

The entire day was such a blessing and then we had his party that night. Complete with presents, cake, a dora pinata (long story behind that one), and lots of love and laughter.

I am so blessed beyond words. My heart is getting all warm again just thinking about it all. Once my sister gets me pictures I will get some uploaded. (anyone else sick of hearing that?) :(

Special Day

This past weekend was a big deal at the Petroelje household. Kamryn turned 4 months. But more importantly we had her baptized on Sunday. The boys were just as excited about it as we were. :)

What a special day. To be able to give her back to the one who blessed our family. There were a lot of times that I didn't think that it would happen. And I had a lot of anger towards God. And still do in part. But I also realize that HE is that One. The One who led us through the storm. Blessed be His Name. It wasn't an easy journey. But it was one that He walked through with us..... in fact He carried us through it. What a great and awesome God we serve. There were tears shed thinking about Jackson of course. But again... they weren't all tears of sadness.

I am in a bible study on the book of James right now. By Beth Moore. And something she says will stick with me forever! "Joy and sadness can dance together". I love it!!!

I forgot my camera but thankfully my sister brought hers so I will post some later. But for now.... I will leave you with 2 taken at home. She had taken off her bow and booties by then but is still as sweet as ever. She even wore the baptism gown I wore when I was a baby. What a sweet day.

Her First....

Well Kamryn has had her first sickness. The past week she has been very congested and we could tell she finally caught the cold the rest of us had been battling. We were so excited that she avoided the flu bug. On Tuesday she had green goop coming out of her eyes so I called the dr. on Wednesday morning and made an appointment for that afternoon. She had been eating and sleeping great and wasn't fussy. We got into the office and I was told that she had a sinus infection and a raging ear infection. I'm so glad that she had that goop or I never would have thought to bring her in and she could have been miserable.

She continues to amaze me with her toughness. :)
and now weighs 10lbs 11 oz.

This weekend we are going with Ryan's family to a hotel to spend a night with everyone. Should be a good time. And I promise I will get some sort of pictures posted soon.