One year ago today I just didnt feel right. You ever have that feeling? The result..... well it sucked. But as i sit here and type this out I cant help but feel grateful at the same time. 10 days ago we mourned the passing of Blake and James. Today we remember that Jackson joined his brothers. But I am at this moment trying to keep Kamryn from smashing the buttons on the computer.
So while there is anger and disappointment and wonder..... this time there is also joy and happiness and a strange comfort. Dont get me wrong - I would give so much to have my boys here with me.
I dont think that time can heal all things. I dont think you ever fully heal. I think that you just learn to deal with it differently.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
8 years ago (started on July 2)
was the day I wore my first maternity clothes. I was so sick that I finally broke into them at 5 months. Being our first pregnancy we didnt know any better. My husband was so great! Holding my hair while I puked every day. Numerous times.
We did things so differently that day looking back. we had always driven seperately but for some reason this appointment we drove together. We arrived at the office full of excitement. We were halfway through the pregnancy and excited to schedule our ultrasound and hear the hearbeat. Dr. Hulst came in and teased me about my color like normal and then took out the doppler. After a few minutes of silence he said that he wanted to go get another one to try out but not to worry. He came back after what seemed like forever with another one and tried. Still silence. He told us still not to worry but let's just schedule an ultrasound for that same day to make sure. We went home and were told to drink as much water as possible and then to go to the hospital after an hour.
Talk about a long hour. The time dragged by and to pass it Ryan and I played cards, prayed, and cried. We walked into the hospital defeated but still trying to hold out hope. We had been at a church conference the weekend before and I had felt movement for the first time! Things had to be fine. Entering the ultrasound for the first time in our lives was an experience that was so different from how we had imagined. There was no excitement. Just fear. The technician began and we could see a baby. Not knowing what we were looking at. Then came the shock. There was a part where it came to entering the number of fetus's. And she put a 2! Ryan saw it and looked at me with eyes as wide as I have ever seen. The technician wrapped up and said she was not allowed to say anything.
My poor husband knowing the results asked....there are two of them and they are gone. To which she replied yes. She then told us to take as much time as we needed and we stayed there and continued to weep. As we finished she came back into the room and gave me a hug.
We went home to tell our families. That is the worst phone call anyone could make. We called our parents and told them to get to our house as soon as possible. My dad had just left that morning for a business trip so we had an attendant waiting at the gate for him. Within a matter of minutes, ryan's parents, my mom, and my twin were at our house.
Time had to figure out what steps were needed. My family was taking a big vacation to Colorado the following week. There were two choices that we had. We could be put into labor and deliver the babies. Or we could wait for my body to reject them on it's own which had a few different risks. Talking it over with our families and our Dr. we decided to be induced that afternoon.
It was a wednesday around 4p.m. and we were moved into our room. Right across from the nurses station. Surrounded by family. There was nothing to do but wait. We found out my dad would not be able to get home right away and I knew I wanted him to be there. I was given Pitocin and things got underway. But not very quickly. My sisters and their husbands decided to sleep at the hospital to keep us company. So part way throught the night I could not sleep. So Ryan and I got up and wandered over to the family waiting area and spied on them. We must have been too loud cause they all woke up and we talked and joked around for a bit. Then we went back to our room to try to get some more sleep. Things did not progress quickly at all and the pitocin was up'd some more. Before we knew it, it was Friday. My dad was almost to the hospital and I felt things would be happening soon but I wanted so badly to wait for him. He finally arrived around midnight and at 12:55a.m. we welcomed Blake Hunter followed at 1:00a.m. by James Bridger. Ryan and I held our boys and cried. Then allowed our families to come in to see and hold them as well. I can still picture myself holding them both and watching everyone walk in. One of my biggest regrets is not taking pictures. I had thought that the reminders would haunt me forever. And instead I wish on a daily basis that I had them. Thankfully our sweet nurse took some on her own, just in case we would change our minds. And we did. Within a week those pictures were developed and next to my bed. And they are still looked at on a weekly basis.
There are so many more details that i didnt put in here. Like having the best nurses in the world, the weighted bear that became my baby for a while to comfort my empty arms, my sisters not leaving my side, picking out names and not coming up with any girl ones cause we just knew they were boys, Ryan's brother Ben yelling at the nurses cause I had to pee, being surrounded and supported by so many people, the mass amounts of comfort we received in the weeks after by meals, and cards, and prayers.
Still cannot believe this happened to us and yet my heart feels touched as I write this now.
Boys- You are lucky to be in heaven right now. I cannot wait for you to be in my arms again.
We did things so differently that day looking back. we had always driven seperately but for some reason this appointment we drove together. We arrived at the office full of excitement. We were halfway through the pregnancy and excited to schedule our ultrasound and hear the hearbeat. Dr. Hulst came in and teased me about my color like normal and then took out the doppler. After a few minutes of silence he said that he wanted to go get another one to try out but not to worry. He came back after what seemed like forever with another one and tried. Still silence. He told us still not to worry but let's just schedule an ultrasound for that same day to make sure. We went home and were told to drink as much water as possible and then to go to the hospital after an hour.
Talk about a long hour. The time dragged by and to pass it Ryan and I played cards, prayed, and cried. We walked into the hospital defeated but still trying to hold out hope. We had been at a church conference the weekend before and I had felt movement for the first time! Things had to be fine. Entering the ultrasound for the first time in our lives was an experience that was so different from how we had imagined. There was no excitement. Just fear. The technician began and we could see a baby. Not knowing what we were looking at. Then came the shock. There was a part where it came to entering the number of fetus's. And she put a 2! Ryan saw it and looked at me with eyes as wide as I have ever seen. The technician wrapped up and said she was not allowed to say anything.
My poor husband knowing the results asked....there are two of them and they are gone. To which she replied yes. She then told us to take as much time as we needed and we stayed there and continued to weep. As we finished she came back into the room and gave me a hug.
We went home to tell our families. That is the worst phone call anyone could make. We called our parents and told them to get to our house as soon as possible. My dad had just left that morning for a business trip so we had an attendant waiting at the gate for him. Within a matter of minutes, ryan's parents, my mom, and my twin were at our house.
Time had to figure out what steps were needed. My family was taking a big vacation to Colorado the following week. There were two choices that we had. We could be put into labor and deliver the babies. Or we could wait for my body to reject them on it's own which had a few different risks. Talking it over with our families and our Dr. we decided to be induced that afternoon.
It was a wednesday around 4p.m. and we were moved into our room. Right across from the nurses station. Surrounded by family. There was nothing to do but wait. We found out my dad would not be able to get home right away and I knew I wanted him to be there. I was given Pitocin and things got underway. But not very quickly. My sisters and their husbands decided to sleep at the hospital to keep us company. So part way throught the night I could not sleep. So Ryan and I got up and wandered over to the family waiting area and spied on them. We must have been too loud cause they all woke up and we talked and joked around for a bit. Then we went back to our room to try to get some more sleep. Things did not progress quickly at all and the pitocin was up'd some more. Before we knew it, it was Friday. My dad was almost to the hospital and I felt things would be happening soon but I wanted so badly to wait for him. He finally arrived around midnight and at 12:55a.m. we welcomed Blake Hunter followed at 1:00a.m. by James Bridger. Ryan and I held our boys and cried. Then allowed our families to come in to see and hold them as well. I can still picture myself holding them both and watching everyone walk in. One of my biggest regrets is not taking pictures. I had thought that the reminders would haunt me forever. And instead I wish on a daily basis that I had them. Thankfully our sweet nurse took some on her own, just in case we would change our minds. And we did. Within a week those pictures were developed and next to my bed. And they are still looked at on a weekly basis.
There are so many more details that i didnt put in here. Like having the best nurses in the world, the weighted bear that became my baby for a while to comfort my empty arms, my sisters not leaving my side, picking out names and not coming up with any girl ones cause we just knew they were boys, Ryan's brother Ben yelling at the nurses cause I had to pee, being surrounded and supported by so many people, the mass amounts of comfort we received in the weeks after by meals, and cards, and prayers.
Still cannot believe this happened to us and yet my heart feels touched as I write this now.
Boys- You are lucky to be in heaven right now. I cannot wait for you to be in my arms again.
Monday, June 25, 2012
Dreading.....
i am dreading the fact that July is only a week away. I will forever hate the month.
In one week I will celebrate the fact that Blake and James; my first borns, will be 8. But instead of throwing a party here tossing water ballons, or doing silly string, or a pinata, or taking a day off of work to play I will be visiting their grave site.
Then 10 days after that i will be reminded that one year ago we found out that we had lost Jackson and the journey we went through to get Kamryn here safely.
I know, I know..... we are so lucky to have what we do. But I still can't help to think about the fact that within 10 days I will be mourning the loss of 3 of my babies. It just doesn't seem fair. Even still after 8 years. They are still an ever present part of my life and who I am.
I love you boys.
In one week I will celebrate the fact that Blake and James; my first borns, will be 8. But instead of throwing a party here tossing water ballons, or doing silly string, or a pinata, or taking a day off of work to play I will be visiting their grave site.
Then 10 days after that i will be reminded that one year ago we found out that we had lost Jackson and the journey we went through to get Kamryn here safely.
I know, I know..... we are so lucky to have what we do. But I still can't help to think about the fact that within 10 days I will be mourning the loss of 3 of my babies. It just doesn't seem fair. Even still after 8 years. They are still an ever present part of my life and who I am.
I love you boys.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
One year ago....
I can't believe how things have changed from last year until now. Just over a year ago I first felt Kamryn and Jackson moving. I could not believe it. I was only 14 weeks along but I know for sure that it was real.
Sick as a dog but grateful for every moment. Soaking in the realization that I was going to be a mom to 2 babies again and not sure what was going to happen.
To say that I dread the fact that we are almost in July is an understatement. Never will I be glad for that month. I received "independence" in a way that I never wanted. I lost Blake and James on July 2 and found out on July 12th that we had lost Jackson and Kamryn was in danger.
But here we are.... Beginning of June a year later. We have 3 angels that I would give anything to have here but 3 precious children enjoying life with us. I am so thankful for that. For all the fun that we have with them. For all the fun that will come in the years to come. (God willing!)
I still look back and can't believe the journey we have gone through to get where we are today. I know that we will be a stronger family because of it. But I still have my days where the sadness is too much to bear. And all I want it to have 3 more boys ramming around wrestling.
On those nights though..... I just sit and stare at what I do have. And my heart feels a little better.
Sick as a dog but grateful for every moment. Soaking in the realization that I was going to be a mom to 2 babies again and not sure what was going to happen.
To say that I dread the fact that we are almost in July is an understatement. Never will I be glad for that month. I received "independence" in a way that I never wanted. I lost Blake and James on July 2 and found out on July 12th that we had lost Jackson and Kamryn was in danger.
But here we are.... Beginning of June a year later. We have 3 angels that I would give anything to have here but 3 precious children enjoying life with us. I am so thankful for that. For all the fun that we have with them. For all the fun that will come in the years to come. (God willing!)
I still look back and can't believe the journey we have gone through to get where we are today. I know that we will be a stronger family because of it. But I still have my days where the sadness is too much to bear. And all I want it to have 3 more boys ramming around wrestling.
On those nights though..... I just sit and stare at what I do have. And my heart feels a little better.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Mental Block
I have had a few different times where I was going to sit down and write some really good posts. But by the time I have a few minutes or get by the computer I cannot remember for the life of me what it was. So for now a quick update.
Kamryn had her 6 month appointment and she is doing great. She finally broke the 12 pound mark! :) But isnt on the charts yet. But she is a fiesty little nugget and we are having so much fun with her.
She has another double ear infection and will be going in for a tube consult soon since this is her 5th or 6th one since March and she was on antibiotics when she started this latest one. CrAzY!
We have had so much fun lately and have been so busy. But i finally uploaded a few pictures. Some of the kids, some from our cabin up north over memorial day, and a few from William's preschool graduation.
Kamryn had her 6 month appointment and she is doing great. She finally broke the 12 pound mark! :) But isnt on the charts yet. But she is a fiesty little nugget and we are having so much fun with her.
She has another double ear infection and will be going in for a tube consult soon since this is her 5th or 6th one since March and she was on antibiotics when she started this latest one. CrAzY!
We have had so much fun lately and have been so busy. But i finally uploaded a few pictures. Some of the kids, some from our cabin up north over memorial day, and a few from William's preschool graduation.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Mothers Day
Mothers Day..... One of my favorite days of the year. Not just because Ryan normally lets me sleep in and brings me up breakfast in bed and cards that he made on his own with the kids. Or because of the plate I knew I would be getting from William. Or for the flower that Caden could not wait to give me in the pot that he painted.
Mothers Day means so much more to me. It reminds me of all the hardships that I went through to get to where I am today. I have 6 incredible kids. And while I only get to raise 3 of them here, I am so excited for the excitement of when I get to really meet the other 3. To see them smile, to wrap my arms around them once again, and to tell them there was not a single day that passed when I didnt think about them. That I became a mom back in 2004 for the first time. There are some out there that don't think that having angel babies count but let me tell you something..... they are WRONG!
Whether you are a mom, a woman who wants to BE a mom, a mom to kids that aren't by blood, a woman who doesnt desire kids but loves to spoil others, or a mom to angels..... today is for YOU. And you mean the world to a LOT of Someones. Me included.
To my mom and mother in law..... Thank you for all you do. I love you with all my heart and would not be who I am today without you.
Mothers Day means so much more to me. It reminds me of all the hardships that I went through to get to where I am today. I have 6 incredible kids. And while I only get to raise 3 of them here, I am so excited for the excitement of when I get to really meet the other 3. To see them smile, to wrap my arms around them once again, and to tell them there was not a single day that passed when I didnt think about them. That I became a mom back in 2004 for the first time. There are some out there that don't think that having angel babies count but let me tell you something..... they are WRONG!
Whether you are a mom, a woman who wants to BE a mom, a mom to kids that aren't by blood, a woman who doesnt desire kids but loves to spoil others, or a mom to angels..... today is for YOU. And you mean the world to a LOT of Someones. Me included.
To my mom and mother in law..... Thank you for all you do. I love you with all my heart and would not be who I am today without you.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Williams 5!!!
(i started this post on the 13th and am just getting around to finishing it. I feel like such a blog slacker lately.)
What a great day it was on Friday April 13th. My William turned 5 and it was quite the special day for him. We started the day off by me being the special helper in his class. Which means he got to do special things. Big stuff to a preschooler.
Then when class was done I took him out on a date. Just me and my big boy. I told him we could do whatever he wanted. So he choose Wendy's for lunch. I got the 10 piece nugget for us to split and by the time I went to grab one he had them all gone. WOW! Guess your appetite gets bigger as you get older. :)
When he was stuffed he told me he wanted to go to crazy bounce which is a indoor play area with inflatables. That was great as it was just the two of us for the first little bit. But then two younger girls showed up and i was told i could go sit on the bench cause he had some new friends to play with..... ummmmmm NO! I told him this was OUR day together and stole him back. I know.... I know.... a little ridiculous on my part but I don't get enough time with them now that i'm working full time again so I need to take as much as I can get.
So after that little fiasco I asked if he wanted to leave and go bowling instead. So we did. And Ryan was able to stop by for just a little bit which Will loved. And i'm not going to say which mom got beat by her 5 year old either. I blame the fact that I actually threw the ball while he used the little ramp thing.
The entire day was such a blessing and then we had his party that night. Complete with presents, cake, a dora pinata (long story behind that one), and lots of love and laughter.
I am so blessed beyond words. My heart is getting all warm again just thinking about it all. Once my sister gets me pictures I will get some uploaded. (anyone else sick of hearing that?) :(
What a great day it was on Friday April 13th. My William turned 5 and it was quite the special day for him. We started the day off by me being the special helper in his class. Which means he got to do special things. Big stuff to a preschooler.
Then when class was done I took him out on a date. Just me and my big boy. I told him we could do whatever he wanted. So he choose Wendy's for lunch. I got the 10 piece nugget for us to split and by the time I went to grab one he had them all gone. WOW! Guess your appetite gets bigger as you get older. :)
When he was stuffed he told me he wanted to go to crazy bounce which is a indoor play area with inflatables. That was great as it was just the two of us for the first little bit. But then two younger girls showed up and i was told i could go sit on the bench cause he had some new friends to play with..... ummmmmm NO! I told him this was OUR day together and stole him back. I know.... I know.... a little ridiculous on my part but I don't get enough time with them now that i'm working full time again so I need to take as much as I can get.
So after that little fiasco I asked if he wanted to leave and go bowling instead. So we did. And Ryan was able to stop by for just a little bit which Will loved. And i'm not going to say which mom got beat by her 5 year old either. I blame the fact that I actually threw the ball while he used the little ramp thing.
The entire day was such a blessing and then we had his party that night. Complete with presents, cake, a dora pinata (long story behind that one), and lots of love and laughter.
I am so blessed beyond words. My heart is getting all warm again just thinking about it all. Once my sister gets me pictures I will get some uploaded. (anyone else sick of hearing that?) :(
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