I find myself aching a lot these days. My heart longs for something I know will not happen. And it hurts. And I don't know how to grieve about it appropriately while again.... trying to maintain that healthy balance of grief and gratefulness.
Then on my way to work today I happen to see that someone has laid a bunch of baby pumpkins on the gravestones by Blake and James. There wasn't enough for everyone but what a sweet gesture. I also know that there is an older gentleman who goes out and waters the flowers every day. I ran into him once and expressed my thanks to him and he told me how sad he was when our headstone arrived. We were the first ones in this specific "babyland". A complete stranger watching over our boy resting place. Gratefulness......
Hearing about a few different couples who just welcomed healthy twins to their families. One of the couples actually having the first baby at home while trying to get ahold of family. And everyone being ok. Gratefulness......
The other couple being induced at 39 weeks and ending up with an emergency c-section but again thankfully with the result of mom and babies all doing well. A long awaited addition to this incredible family. Gratefulness......
Then going into work today and hearing from someone whose niece just gave birth to twins two weeks ago. Holding the baby girl this weekend to have her die in her mothers arm with no known reason. Grief......
Knowing that possibly anytime between now and a few short weeks we will finally get to meet our precious girl who continues to fight and beat the odds. Gratefulness......
But knowing that instead of bringing home 2 babies we will once again be burying one. Extreme Grief.....
Listening to my two rambunctious boys going crazy in their room while I write this even though they are supposed to be on time out? Gratefulness....
Is my heart jealous? Absolutely. Will I ever understand the Why??? No. Do I still find comfort through it all? I'm trying to. Does that sometimes entail tears of happiness and sadness? On a daily basis.
For those of you who have been so gracious and helpful.... there are no words to express my gratitude.
It's a fine road to walk when your heart knows grief but still having so much to be thankful for...I've long ago given up searching for the answers for all the bad things that happen in life and I'm now just really in search of peace...
ReplyDeleteI have a hard time wrapping my mind around your situation to be honest. I can't imagine knowing that you're pregnant with twins but will only bring one of the precious babies home. You are such a strong woman and I think of you often. Sending you prayers and huge ((hugs))
I too have 6 different friends who have twins; 3 sets born recently. I too struggled (and still do) balancing being grateful and sorrowful. We too planned to take home 2 babies and only came home with one. This summer has been the most difficult of my entire life. I hurt with you for your lost twin and understand the rollercoaster of emotion. Continued prayers for you and that special baby girl.
ReplyDeleteAmanda