I am at home with nothing to do but think...... trying to do some work but when there is nothing to do all I have is the thoughts in my head.
I'm not sure that is a good thing right now. I had picked up some baby clothes a while ago at some sales that Carter and Old Navy were having. Bought some girl stuff "just in case" that is what we were having. Bought doubles of some things. Now I look at the bags in my closet and while I am excited to be able to look at pink.... I am reminded of what should be.
My basement has 2 cribs and 2 cribsets. 2 bouncy seats....
My back porch area has 2 newer matching carseats with a double stroller.
I feel like some people think I have no reason to grieve right now. That I should have nothing but good thoughts because we still have our little girl to look forward to. Which I understand. I really do. But I don't think that they all understand what it is like. I should be looking forward to 2. Not just one.
I feel like I have been robbed and yet have still won the lottery.
There is no need to apologize or feel guilty about the thoughts or feelings you are experiencing. They are your thoughts and feelings, and you are being honest about them. The contradictions in your current situation are massive, and understandably overwhelming. Allow yourself the freedom to feel, experience, acknowledge, contemplate, maybe understand (maybe not). Your family and friends are still here, supporting you, praying for you.... and sometimes just silent because we don't have the words either. Know that we love you. We grieve with you. We celebrate with you. We're always here to listen, even to the unanswerable thoughts and questions running thru your head.
ReplyDeletePeace.
You have every reason to grieve for the baby you lost. Do not worry about what others think as most often they just don't understand. You are blessed to still have one baby that is growing strong so we are all praying for that little girl, but we are also grieving the loss of her sibling. Know that you are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteI am so glad you can feel both sides. I think it would be very easy to let your loss eclipse the beautiful baby that remains.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry for your loss.